Isaiah 43:11-12
"I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no savior. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed -- I, and not some foreign God among you. You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "that I am God."

     Yesterday, I had the perfect opportunity to witness to someone who I thought needed salvation. I had just come from the operating room where I had an Angiogram, a biopsy (Scored another "0" rejection), and an intraveinous ultrasound", when I saw a guy and thought, "this guy could benefit from hearing about the lord."  How arrogant of me! His "look" was that of a shaved bald, earring wearing man, with tattoos. I jumped right in talking about how God had saved me and the medical miracles he had placed in my life. He politely nodded his head as I made my "pitch" and I was becoming bolder by the second. There was another nurse in the room, and I thought maybe I would get a "twofer". How arrogant of me!

    He kindly began telling me what his tattoos meant. You see it was Tweety (his nickname) smiling in his cage, safely, with a golden chain leading to nowhere. Then beside that was Sylvester trying to get at him as usual. (his tail happened to be on fire) He patiently said to me, "Sylvester here, with his tail on fire, represents Satan, trying to get that soul inside that golden cage." Tweety is us, inside that protective place (salvation) and fully safe. The chain on the cage goes into heaven to show that I am anchored to heaven, and it cannot be broken"

      I think I began my witness because I arrogantly thought that I could get extra credit in heaven by "saving" this wayward soul, and ended it by realizing that I had sinned against God by judging that man under the guise of doing the lord's work. I have been changed yet again. for the better. Praise God!

     That was a short letter I wrote to a sister in Christ, and thought I should share it with all. I think it pretty much explains itself while teaching a lesson we learned when we were very young. Didn't we? NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER! Is there a chance, that I maybe missed that day? Did I not judge this man and say "this man needs to hear about God"? What do you suppose he thought about me? I have tattoos, a goatee, ETC. Do I LOOK like a Christian? What exactly does a Christian look like?

     This beautiful Christian lady told me that maybe we were BOTH there with our flawed (by the standards of some) appearances to witness to the other nurse who was in the room. Wow! Do you see how we all fit together to form the body of Christ? We all play a part, and none is more important than another.

     Now for the medical news. All is good, Goodbye, turn out the lights on your way out. See ya all later....

     Okay, okay, you want details. I'll be brief. because most of you are reading this at "work" (in lieu of actually working) Yeah, I know about that. Here Goes. All of my test have ruled out most of everything. The spot on my lung has disappeared, and I Don't appear to have any cancer from my head to my toes. They think that maybe I have some sleep apnea, and some minor heart issue that could hamper breathing. Nothing to get worried about. So far all the news has been very good, and I continue to feel pretty well.

     Yesterday, I had an appointment for what I thought would be another routine biopsy. Boy! was I wrong! I returned home with, at my best count, 5 holes that I am pretty sure I didn't have when I left the camper yesterday morning. They had neglected to inform me that not only would I have a biopsy, I would be treated to an Angiogram, and an intraveinous ultrasound as a bonus prize. HUH? It is funny, they tell me this after I am pretty much committed to being there for awhile. I really don't mind, so much, because they are thourough, and when I leave here, there will be no stone left unturned. I will have a clean bill of health, and that is important. So today, I am sharing this with you, with an agitated heart (which is normal for the day after) and a thankful soul for the spiritual, and medical revelations from yesterday. So far, all is well, and as always, GOD IS GOOD!

    Have a great day, and next time Open that book, there might just be something beautiful inside. God Bless, and all my love.

                                                                                                                                                                Mark

     Hey friends, family, and anyone in between, how are you? I know, I know, it has been over two weeks since I have visited with you, and I will share my reason shortly. The fact is, since I last wrote not much has happened, but it has been very stressful, nonetheless.

     Everything had been going so well. No rejection through 4 biopsies (five now) and rehab was, and is going great. I have been feeling great, and becoming more and more physically active. I can feel new life coursing through my veins. I even got to come home to visit my church family. So, you ask, where is the stress in that?

     Each time I have blood drawn for lab work, I also have a chest x-ray. Well, about two weeks ago, now, a spot was found to have developed on my right lung. UH OH!  The stressful part of the whole thing is that that piece of news was delivered by (this is only my personal opinion) a person who is completely unqualified to be interacting with patients. It was delivered with insensitivity and a complete lack of compassion. I was given a "worst case" scenario, of what it could be and that the docs would like to get a CT scan ASAP.  I try to not hate people, and even try to understand cultural differences. I really don't hate this person, I just feel that not everyone has what it takes to interact with others, especially, when it comes to delivering news that could change a person's life.

     Some or even most, of the people reading this are in the medical profession, or personally involved in the transplant process. Having said that, it is a fact that after the physical trauma of the transplant, there is emotional trauma that has to be dealt with. There are so very many emotions that have to be dealt with in order to live at peace with the wonderful gift of the life we have been afforded. There is the extreme elation that comes with the organ, the promise of a healthier future that comes with it. There is the sadness that is inevitable, for the donor and his/her family, and their loss. There is the issue of knowing that your life will never be the same, as "normal" takes on a new definition. Even the most well balanced person is bound to have an adjustment period. I described all of that, to say this. It is a time when emotions are highly charged, and fueled by prednisone, which turns some of us into irritable, emotional crazies looking for a time and place to snap. So needless to say, any questionable news is going to have an adverse effect on a person in my state of mind. (don't go there)

    I did a lot of worrying, praying, and not telling anyone what was going on. Not to be brave, but because I didn't have any idea of what to say? The doctors say the spot is too small to be concerned about. If it is bad, it has been caught incredibly early. In all probability, though, it is nothing to be concerned about, my excellent doctors aren't concerned, and they tell me not to be concerned either.

     I didn't just sit on the news. I talked with my family, some close friends, and my transplant mentors in Georgia. I even went to the transplant center and demanded a moment of one of the transplant cardiologist's time (which was willingly given).  But, as my "mother in Georgia" said to me...(talk about your tough love :) ) I gave it to God for about 5 minutes, and took it right back.

     We quote scripture and verse, to comfort others, but when it is us in the hot seat, we want to do the worrying ourselves. She lovingly told me to put it on the altar, and leave it there! So I shall.

    You are up to speed, and I will keep you posted on everything in the future. I have another CT scan on October, 2 to evaluate whether or not it has grown or changed in the last two weeks. When I know, you will know. In the meantime, I have appointments Tuesday for labwork, and other routine stuff. Don't be surprised if you hear from me again in the next couple of days, as I get back into my regular format of good times, bad jokes, and spiritual sharing. Feel free to tell me how selfish I have been by not asking for prayer over this situation, as I made a decision for you all that I had no right to. We are all family, and that has to include both, the good, and the bad. So please pray for me, and my family, as I enter my last month of rehab in Rochester. God bless, you all. I love you all.

      I do have a special request. I have a heart friend who has been a great source of laughter and encouragement to me throughout all of this. I have not requested permission to use a name, but God knows all about this person. I am asking for urgent prayer as some problems have arisen and are causing the new heart to not be allowed to function to its full potential. I ask that anytime you pray for me and my family, you include this person as a part of that prayer. God hears prayers, I am living proof of that. Join me in lifting my friend up, please, and thank you.

    Howdy buds, and how are you? I am doing well. Tuesday's biopsy results were revealed to me on Wednesday. All of my blood tests were normal, I continue to lose weight, and thrive. Oh, yeah, the biopsy results...another ZERO. Praise God. He's so good to me. (that is a hymn) But wait, there is more! I am sitting at my house in Des Moines right now. Yep! you heard me right. The doctor decided that since things are looking so well, that, I could go home for the weekend. He also cleared me to drive. I took full advantage of his momentary lapse of reason (a pink floyd album) and skedaddled. Mary drove to the Iowa state line, and I took over from there, completing the trip home. Actually, he told us on Wednesday that I could come home, but we stayed an extra day to squeeze in another cardiac rehab session. I did a cardiovascular ride on the stationary bike, and did 6.5 miles in 30 minutes. I continue to feel God's blessing as he heals my body, and strengthens my faith.

     We learn a lot about ourselves, by looking back. But, we cannot live in the past. Take a look, enjoy the memories, learn your lesson, and grow. If you will permit me, I want to briefly share what I learned about myself.

     I am a strong man. What makes me strong? People like you, the readers, who have sent warm wishes, prayer, and top notch medical care.

     I am a weak man. I allowed my condition to shake my faith at times, to the point of questioning God's plan for me. As time continued marching on, and I grew sicker, and weaker toward the end, I asked God, "why would you let my daughters grow up without a father, as I had to do?" I tried to bargain with him. "God, if you let me live, I will go out and witness to all, on your great miracle in my life." All the while, I continued to write about how everything had to be in HIS timing, which is perfect, not mine. I believed what I wrote, but I questioned if his plan was to call me home, rather than heal me. After all, as a Christian, I believe that even death is the ultimate form of healing. But I didn't WANT to die. I wanted to live! Why is it fair, that people who don't even acknowledge God receive the gift of life? "Be still, my son, and wait!" I wanted to not only be healed, but to remain here on Earth. "Be still, my son, and wait."There is only one problem with that... it was MY will. "know that I love you, and your family, your friends, and the people you are going to introduce to me in the future." He has it all planned out. He knows what he wants to do in, not only my life, but the lives of everyone. "I knew you before you were born."

     He has been there the whole time. That is why I look back. God is right here in front of us all, but sometimes we have to look BACK to actually see him. But here is the kicker...Faith teaches us to believe in what we cannot see. I say this, though, If you cannot see God everywhere, you simply aren't looking. We are looking for a man, who looks like us. We are not looking for the birds. Perfectly made for the task of their lives. The trees, and plants, every one of them serving a different, but nonetheless perfect role in nature. Still don't see him? Look in the mirror. Not at yourself, but the eyes you are looking through. Evolution? The human eye could never have evolved to it's present function in the time of human existence. Google the human eye, and prepare to be astounded. God is everywhere. If we evolved from apes, why are there still apes?  Why monkey around with creation? I respect your opinion, but I have the distinct advantage of having met God. I have never met an ape.

     I am not an authority, or an expert. I have never been on a dig, where an ancient man was unearthed, and proves that we actually are monkeys. I am simply sharing my belief. I believe a perfect God, with a perfect plan, in perfect time, created, in me, a perfect miracle. He healed me, and then he sent me a new heart.

    God bless, and all my love to each of you.

                                                          Mark

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     Hey ya'all, how are you? I am doing quite well, thank you. I am feeling pretty good these  days, and walking a lot. I wanted to share the photo above, and am not sure who has seen it. I am not sure if I have published this before or not, but my address here in MN is:

Mark McGrew

campsite number 15

P.O. box 297

Oronoco, MN 55960

     Some have asked where to send correspondence, and since I will be up here for at least 2 more months, this is where you will find me. I will repost my home address about two weeks before I leave here, so everything will roll back over to my home address.

     I had written a blog last night, but somehow I hit a wrong key and lost it all before it could be published. Thank God my mother in law was here. She narrowly prevented me from screaming out the words that come with losing an hour's worth of work, and wit. I settled for "oh you gotta be kidding me"

     Getting to the title... I have a frequent visitor to my campsite.  A SKUNK! The little stinker must be looking for love or something, because when he/she has been around, my eyes water. Maybe soon he will meet the right little skunkette, settle down, and learn how to tune out 90% of what she has to say. If he's lucky. Then again maybe she will appreciate him for making a home for her and provide for her and the kids as well as he can. (that was a joke, he'll never compare to her daddy) Maybe he is already "hooked up" and just needs a break. In that case he is welcome to come around once in awhile. (disclaimer. The comments on the skunk are purely jokes. They do not make reference to anything, anyone, nor do they carry any malice. It is only for the laughs)

    Well, I got the results back from my second biopsy. I scored another "zero" (zero sign of rejection) WOO HOO! All of my blood tests indicate that things are going really well. My weight is dropping, and my blood sugars are beginning to regulate. I am striving to get off of the insulin. It may take some time, but now, I have time, so it is a goal. Hey, Did I mention that today is day 27? Tomorrow will be the completion of week 4!  How cool is that? What God has brought us through is just so humbling. I still can't wrap my mind around what he has done here. It is small in comparison to creating all that we are and know in a weeks time, so I don't guess helping a guy get a new heart is much of a challenge, but wow, all the same. To be individually touched by the hand of God. I will leave you to think about that. Think about when you were (not might have been) touched by the hand of God. Feel the comfort all over again. As always, I love you all. Til' next time.

                                                                                                    mark

     Hey good friends.

     It has never been my habit to read my old blogs, and relive the past. That is not a tradition I am going to begin now. It has, however, occurred to me that we have been through a rough patch together, and I might not have been as upbeat as you deserve to read. So I dedicate this writing to the sharing of great news, a great Big God, and you. My best friends.

     I cannot say anything more appropriate to start this than "PRAISE THE LORD!" I have had this new heart for almost 20 days now. It seems to work pretty well. My EF, at last check was 58%, or pretty much normal for a human being! God is so good! I wish I had real teeth, so I could smile for all it's worth. My pain is mostly gone already, again, Praise God. I am doing very well with my medicines and the immunosupressants  that will be with me for the rest of my life. I have a cherubic, round, red face, from the steroid I am taking, which causes me to do a "double-take" each time I see that stranger in the mirror. I laugh, because, I live! I know there are no guarantees from here on out, but I didn't expect to get this far, so this is all gravy as far as I am concerned.

    More great news. I got my first biopsy results back today... Drumroll please!... I scored a "0"! Zero signs of organ rejection! Oh praise you God!. Folks if you feel halfway decent when your feet hit the floor for the day, I need you to be praising almighty God. I cannot tell you, how alive I feel. Every sensation is alive and firing. (Yes even the gas tank seems full. (sorry)) How can we have come through this without a desire to glorify the "Great I Am". I am not afraid of "jinxing" it by saying "I feel great!" I feel such an intensity of love, happiness, friendship, faith, trust, you name it, it is all about to burst. I have been showered with cards and gifts, and phone calls, from so many of you, that I know I am truly never alone. My life has turned back on track, and we are on the express train to whatever and wherever it goes. Mary had to take off for a couple of days to put the girls back into school, and I am anticipating her return Friday evening. For now, a great family friend, Doug Wicker, is staying with me, and driving me to town on those clandestine runs to Wendy's for a chocolate frosty.(for medicinal purposes, mind you)

     My life is a thing of beauty. I am not writing all this so you can be happy for me, I want you to find hope in my words. Many of us suffering, are looking for that hope, and It would not serve God, if I just took my share and walked away. I have struggled since the transplant, trying to decide just how "happy" to be, and not hurt the hope of others. DUH! I waited a long time, and gained faith through your triumphs and tragedies, and every instance made my faith stronger. I dealt with life and death every bit as real as it gets, and became stronger. Please, use me to strengthen you. You are special too, and good or bad, The answers are waiting for you. If it is not the answer we are seeking, it is because we are not seeking his answer. Guys, remember, life can get better, even as it seems to get worse. My donor was being given his/her chances to accept the lord, or even to say what needed to be said, and whether or not that happened, is not for me to know. I wouldn't want to be a part of rushing that.

     I want to encourage you, as I close, to bow your head, find something, anything, to say to God, and say it. If your heart is hurting, start the healing process. If you have a loved one in need of God's love, pray for them. If you are thankful for something, then scream it out, and wake the neighbors up! God never left, he is still in out hearts, our courthouses, our schools, everywhere. Jesus died for us, the very least we can do is stand up for him!  I truly love you all, and cannot wait to speak with you again. Until then, my prayers are with each one of you. God bless.

                                                                                                                               Mark

     Hi friends and family. I thought I should keep you updated as often as I can because I have been receiving such an outpouring of love and support from all of you. So here goes.

     I have entered week 3 with my new heart. Yesterday was my birthday, I am now 38 years old. It is kind of surreal, because I have based my survival up until transplant, and not so much past that point. No one ever said transplant was easy, and I am not going to be the first. It is scary, beautiful, unsure, tentative, encouraging, emotional, and any number of other emotions one might want to add on. And, oh yeah, painful. If it were easy, though, we would probably be out there swapping organs willy nilly. The irony is that the pain is not what and where one would expect it. I had my chest split open (again), but it is my hands and feet that really hurt. I am swollen with surgical fluids in my abdomen and my legs, but so very happy to be alive.  I mean that.

      One does not appreciate the "dance" with life, until we begin to feel it slip away. Almost any transplant patient will tell you, they were dying when they finally got "the call". I am not sure where I fall in all of this, because I had an LVAD (NO, I DO NOT MISS IT!!!) sustaining my life activities such as blood flow etc. But the act of dying can also be a  thing of beauty. You really learn to notice the little things. You tend to do things based, more on what the impact in the future, and less on the here and now. It is a shame that it takes something like  that to learn to live. Now, I am at the doorstep of a brand new life. I have goals, plans, priorities, desires, wants, and needs that I had totally put aside just to survive. I promised God everyday, that if he brings me through this, like there was ever a doubt that he would, I would serve him for life. And I will. I suppose I should have taken all of my spare time, and made a concrete plan on how this should go, but, then, It wouldn't be my plan, would it? Now the job is to be vigilant, and listen for that still, quiet, call to service. Whether it be speaking, writing, or sweeping a church floor, I am at God's service. That is so liberating to say, and to feel. I feel free at this moment, and so very content in God's love. Folks, please, let him draw close to you. Feel that hug from your past that you long for. Reach for that sense of security that can only come from within the father's arms. I have spent nearly two  weeks in a tail-spin, wondering "what's next?" Well, I figured it out. NEXT is NEXT.

     I have my first heart biopsy tomorrow, to check for rejection. Blood tests to check medication levels, and all sorts of appointments with docs. The thing is, I am no longer "pre-transplant" Transplantation was one of the goals, and as for the goal, WE MADE IT! Now we take the next step. Join me, let's walk this part together also. I love you guys, I really do.

     Hey kids. By now you have heard the news. If you haven't , you have been under a rock or really should check your voice, and email more often. WE GOT A HEART!! Praise God, Praise God, Praise God! I have been wanting to write sooner, and some of you have been getting a little restless, but in all its glory, Heart Transplant still hurts and requires a ton of recovery. I wanted to share it with you all as soon as I could have something to say...DUH! If I type PRAISE GOD! 500 times it won't come close to letting you in on my emotions. I am going to attempt to put some thoughts into legible order, that makes some sense.

     I want to say first, that, this is as much a celebration for all of you, as it is for me. You have sat and read my words and cried with me. You have emailed, called, sent cards, and, most importantly you have praised God with me when things  were pretty tough. You also have prayed with and for me. Well, So, now we can quit praying, huh? Mission accomplished, pack it up, party's over, last one out, turn off the lights. We all know better than that, right? I have been praying since I awakened Monday morning. For all of you. For me. For people up on this floor, that I don't even know. I have learned to love prayer. I find it so comforting. So liberating, so close to God. Never once have I wondered, "where do we go from here?" It has been planned out since before I ever got sick. This is only the beginning.

    I am going to wrap it down for the evening. I am exhausted, and still very weak. They, rightfully so, push me pretty hard up here. I just wanted so say a couple of more things. I am going to survive this, get healthy, and make a goal to visit all of you. I am going to continue my prayers for each of you, and your families. I have so many great ambitions, right now, and I will accomplish them. But for the next few days and weeks, I am going to get better. Pray more, and, as always, I really love you all. The last thing I want to do, is leave you with this thought... I have a brand new heart. It is mind boggling. I have the heart of a person who no longer walks among us. I have the heart of a husband, father, son, brother, (Female is possible, not likely though.) I want you to get to know, and get to love, this heart also. And, pray for the family of the person who saved my live.

     If you are in possession of a firearm, would you please shoot me? Having my teeth pulled and a subsequent open-heart surgery did not generate as much pain, as watching Hannah Montana make the transition to Miley Cyrus. It seems only yesterday that her father (Billy Ray Cyrus for those of you who don't already know) was on stage, in tight jeans singing "Achy-breaky heart".  I am honestly surprised he was able to procreate as tight as his jeans were. YIKES, nurse, gimme some ice...STAT! I would not mind, because what makes my kids happy...blah blah blah...., but c'mon! Half of the songs she is singing are re-makes of songs that were popular waaaaaay before she was born. Her only redeeming quality... let me get back to you on that... my brain just went into hibernation. 20,000 girls screaming in unison, again, please shoot me!!! Maybe if I close my eyes, and wish reaaal hard...nope, didn't work she is still on my TV. I am giving up watching a Nationwide series race so the girls can watch this. Ain't I a super dad?

     The summer is dragging on. Obviously I still haven't gotten a heart. Even more obviously, I am still alive. I am not bedridden, and dying as we speak. I am fighting, winning, living, and working. I DO NOT get depressed. I don't "cry in my beer". (Heck, I don't even drink) I do not envy you. You are healthy, intelligent, beautiful, and compassionate. But how many of you have actually tasted life? or, for that matter, death? I love being alive! It is not fun every day, but, for what it's worth, I'll keep what I already have, thanks.

Let me introduce you to myself. I wake up every day. (so far). For that, I praise GOD! I can stand on my own two feet. For that, I praise God. I have a sharp mind, which is always looking for the funny side of anything and everything. For that, Praise GOD! I have all the riches of the world, and not a penny to spare. For that, I praise God. I have a weak heart, which, gives me a strong faith. For that, Praise God. I have met, if not face to face, then via internet, each one of you. And for that, I praise GOD!

     My blogs take around an hour or so to write. If I have a bad hour, when I am writing, then it will be reflected on the blog. But, please, don't think I am not doing well, because of what I write. I smile. (Even if it is through dentures). When I dream, I always have a healthy heart. So for that brief period of time, I feel healed. That is what makes me keep going. Those dreams feel good. Someday, soon, my body and my mind will be on the same page. On that day, all the angels in heaven will sing in unison. MAN! I got goose bumps. I have already heard it once, and if the choir director takes requests, I want to hear "Til' the Storm passes by" I feel so "at peace" with everything right now. Smile for me. It takes fewer muscles to smile, then it takes to frown

     Go do your thing, rejoice, and know that I am well. I love you all, and knowing you is a gift from God. Have you talked to him lately? He says he misses you.

     Mark

     Hey ya'll, howzit? I am living every day in eager anticipation of the next. I am thankful every time I wake up simply for the fact that I DID wake up. I am alive. I refuse to be sick. (although, my body seldom seems to agree with me) Here are the facts. I am sick, physically. It is hard, to put one foot in front of the other. It is hard, to feel like crap all of the time. It is hard, to not know IF I will ever get a heart. It is hard, to know  that I am dragging you and my family through all of this. It is hard, to make plans for tomorrow. It would be soooooo easy to just quit. I never did like people taking the easy way out...

     I don't want easy. Life is so much more than avoiding the "bumps in the road." Life IS the bumpy road. When it is all over, and you are remembering everything, the bumps are the memories!

     I remember, one time, as a kid, I fell and cut my knee wide open. I needed stitches. Mom had to take me to the hospital. She needed to cover the wound, and could only think of one thing sterile enough to cover it. (it doesn't require a lot of thought, so I won't go down that road) I was in my early teens, and there was no way on God's green earth, that, I was going to the hospital with a Feminine Hygiene Product taped to my knee! Now, 25 years later, that is so funny. Mom and I laugh about it every once in awhile.

   I hope I didn't embarrass her. But, don't you see? Without the story, it is just another scar. To me, that is living. This race all ends the same way for each of us. Some of us will fight to the last breath, some will slip away peacefully in their sleep. Regardless, we all leave something behind. It is not just bravado, when people say "I don't want a bunch of cryin' at my funeral. I don't want that either. I lived! (and, to my knowledge, will continue to do so.) I loved, I laughed (a lot). I hit those bumps at full speed. I hope this hasn't sounded morbid. I am trying to convey the fact, that, I love living. I am not gonna avoid the tough times, because that is  God's plan, not mine. When I go, I get to meet God. How can any part of that not be great?

     It is HOT! Yesterday it was in the mid 90's. The heat index was 108! Yikes! Today is better with a high of only 85 expected. Oh, yeah, we had severe storms last night with a lot of wind damage. It has been a strange year. I am used to hot summers. It is a fact of life. But I am not used to all the severe weather. So far this year, we have had to replace 2 skylights in my camper from hail damage. Our neighbor at the lake had to replace his awning because the high wind destroyed it. My neighbor, here at the house, had a tree split last night. I Know that this is just our turn in the barrel, and all will return to "normal", but it is so strange that there is a drought in the southeastern US, and forest fires in CA.

     If one of you says "yep that is global warming" I am gonna say something not nice to you. How arrogant are we to think that we can destroy God's creation if it is not his will? How arrogant are we to think we can fix it? We all need to do our part, to be sure. Every little bit helps. But how do we explain what happened to the Dinosaurs? The only toxins in the air then, were natural gasses, and TRex farts. Is global warming real? I don't know. Are the ice caps melting? I don't know that either. What I do know is this...

    What are you waiting for? I don't know anything. I can't solve the world's problems. But, I can sure pray for and about them...and you. Have a great day, and, as always, I love you.

                                                                                          Mark

     Hey all. Question...what defines class in your eyes? What extreme would you go to, to hurt someone beyond recovery? When do you hold your tongue, and, is it healthy? Here is the big one...Where is God in all of this? How do we distinguish between God's conviction, and simply suffering the consequences for bad decisions made on your own, without seeking God's will before hand?

     Here are some personal observations... I have curtailed my enthusiasm and unabashed desire to worship God, to avoid offending some. SIN. I have tried to deceive my friends into thinking I am okay. SIN. I have times of self pity, and selfish desires. SIN. I have proclaimed God's glory with my mouth, while allowing Satan to whisper lies into my ear.SIN.

IT ALL STOPS HERE.

     That was so easy to write. Including caps lock, it took a total of 19 keystrokes to type. The transformation that you cannot see, has taken place in my heart. I love God, and I am going to heaven, I have no doubt about that. But I have not allowed God to "take the reigns" of my life, and grow me into what he wants. I have been content to "ride the wave" of asking God into my life. We have been through all of this before, this is nothing new.

     There have been many statements made of my brave fight, and my great faith. DON'T YOU GET IT? If it was just me, I am not sure I would want to be here. Don't let anyone fool you, THIS STINKS! The first thing we all do when we enter the world, is take a huge breath of air. I can't do that. We seek the warmth and comfort our environment offers us. I can't do that either. We laugh, we love, we trust, OH GOD, WHY CAN'T I DO THOSE THINGS? Unconditional love? Is God punishing me? of course not. He is right here, holding me in his arms. Although I have disappointed him before, and will again, I can almost see his eyes looking into mine, and thinking about how much He loves me.

     What could you do to your parent that would make them turn your back on you? No matter what we do in life, Mom, Dad, whomever has loved you, will never stop loving you. God is that, times a million. He might convict us, he might discipline us, through friends and family, but he will never hurt us. HE WILL NEVER HURT US!

     He didn't make me sick. He gave me strength to fight it. He didn't break my heart. He gave me children who still love me, even though, sometimes I suck at fatherhood. When I die, he won't take my life. He will welcome me home. I didn't kill him. He died for me! If what I have written, upsets or bothers you, I am sorry. Not to you, but to God, because he has given me the powerful testimony to convince you of his greatness, and your need for him in your life. If you have gotten this far in reading this, I have planted a seed. If you can pray for me, please do.

     I don't want to sound like I am dying, because, to my knowledge, I am not. Well....you know what I mean. I am not clinically depressed, or deranged. The fact is, I have made a royal mess of my life, my marriage, and my health. I am asking God to bail me out. Whatever is best for him, is what I want for me. I will hold nothing more, because it is not mine. That is the beauty of my God. No matter how badly I screw things up, when I finally called his name... HE RAN TO ME! I weep for joy, right this minute, because his love is undying. It is time we let him in, he has been waiting.

     Hi.

     Fair warning, this is not gonna be good, or long. Just the facts.

     I had VT again last night (Friday, the 4th). I was getting into bed @ 2345, and the heart just "took off". I sat down, and switched ,from battery power on my LVAD, to "house" power, for the night. I no sooner lay my head on the pillow, then here it came, kind of like that freight train in the Coors Light commercial. Out of nowhere. I headed to the ER, for the "usual", and got there around  0020 and was told to find a seat in the waiting room. Are you kidding me? Just how sick do you have to be to get right in? Apparently I did not qualify. Well, the docs went through the normal routine...Scratch their heads, ask questions, you would think someone would write some of this medical information down... Oh yeah, it is written down... Open the chart DUDE! I can be a patient person on occasion, but NOT when I am in VT. I want it fixed, and I want it NOW! Mary was already upset with me for insisting she wake up and take me to the ER, so, she didn't really want to wait either. Well, you know the old saying, "If you want it done right, do it yourself!" So, I did. My heart "Self-converted" @ 0102hrs. I waited another half-hour for the ER doc, who, mind you, had not done a single thing, to this point, literally, to come in and write some mind numbing B.S. to justify the massive ER bill that my insurance company will be receiving forthwith. I think I will send them a bill for screwing me around.

    VT is not painful, I have told you that. But, it is very scary, and I can't breathe. Not to mention that if one remains in "sustained VT" more muscle can be damaged. I don't have any heart muscle to spare at the moment. I don't even have enough for me. If I sound bitter, I am not. I am sick, I am getting sicker, and, I am frustrated. My faith is being tested to it's limit, and dang it, I feel sorry for myself. Don't bother scolding me. I have fought this battle every single day, since October 24, 2005. I need a day off! Please, just one day.

     I am not giving up, I am not depressed. I am optimistic, that we are gonna be well, soon. But, things get hard once in awhile. Ya know?

                                                                                                                                                                                             Mark.

     Hola` hermanos y hermanas. How you doing? You know the title, really, says it all. I am in a super mood, but, I feel like UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, not the best. I am much like my "mistress" (Saylorville lake, for those of you who are unable to visit regularly) am full to overflowing with water. My lungs, and chest are full to capacity, and I am hoping and praying the dam will break soon. Needless to say, the heavy breathing, is from me.

     It is residual symptoms from the VT incident, Tuesday. Since you are reading this on your computer, I will explain the process in "computerese" My system crashed, and had to be completely recovered. Just like Windows Vista, I don't have much to say in the matter. (do not get me started on Vista! It Stinks!!!) You start with the accelerated heart rate. Then your heart has, literally, to be stopped, then re-started,  either by natural processes, Chemicals, or Cardioversion (shock). At this time, the system "re-boots" and you lose all your work! D'OH! I think swear words were created in preparation for computers. I have heard several Christians turned into raving lunatics with a single keystroke. This leaves me feeling empty and rejected, sucking my thumb and singing show tunes from Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music! Okay! you got me, I sang those before my heart went to junk. Don't tell my wife, I just got her convinced I am straight! That is a wasted 14 years.  

     Come on, admit it, you are smiling right now. As previously stated, despite all of the physical stuff, I am in a good mood. Maybe because my mother-in-law cooked me some soup beans and a ham bone. That would explain the noises, and my family's bad mood. It is actually a relief, because I thought a duck with halitosis had been following me around. That would also explain why the rangers make me work outside! So if you have been paying attention, this is all my mother-in-law's fault. No, that can't be right, I just used female logic! (No wonder it  makes no sense!) Sorry ladies, I love you all, but, I can't understand a single one of you. If I still have any friends, let's move on.

     Hey! This Facebook thing is really cool. I have met and re-connected with several people I went to school with. I was a total spazz in school, so most were reluctant to talk to me, but I won 'em over with my winning smile, and my irresistible wit. Wow! I just lost several of you kids with that whole "Spazz" reference, didn't I? Don't ask. If you remember who Spazz is, you are OLD! It is okay, I am in that group also. Come on in, the water is fine.

     Hey, I have a serious question for you.

     Saturday, I took Jordan fishing. The little stink-pot out fished me, but that is not where I am going. My question is this. Are you able to draw strength from other Christians? Can I tell you about my experience?

     We were fishing at Big Creek State Park, Saturday, and it was hot. We were getting ready to leave, when we saw an elderly couple coming in on their pontoon boat. I don't know why, but I waited there until they got to the boat dock. The wife was first off the boat, and her job was to hold the boat in place, while he went up the hill to get the trailer. I happened to notice her wearing a small cross on a necklace, and thought, maybe I should witness to her. She had noticed my LVAD controller, (It's not like you can miss it.) and was trying to politely not stare. I began telling her about it, and what it does, and about the fact that I am waiting for a transplant.  Then it occurred to me, that this was an opportunity to witness. Would I have done so if I hadn't noticed that cross? Many people wear crosses. Earrings, necklaces, even tattoos. That doesn't necessarily mean that they are Christian, or even believe in God, for that matter. But when I began to witness all of God's miracles in my life, her eyes began to radiate a warmth, and tenderness, of a mother, grandmother, and wife. She is a Christian, and probably has been her whole life, I don't know. But the surge of power was amazing. Her eagerness to hear what I had to say, and say what I had to hear, fueled my desire to share all the more. She was a Christian! Awesome.

     I felt a strength, and encouragement to continue. She wasn't being polite. She was drawing strength from ME! What an awesome God we have. She and her husband had been taking their boat for a test run, in preparation for a visit from their son, and grandchildren. When our conversation turned to children, I was looking at my daughter, and beaming with pride. She has a moral compass, that sees no gray areas. There is right, and there is wrong, with her, and you are either one or the other. She doesn't judge, she just seems to know. Her drawback, if you want to call it that, is that she is very shy. I thought this a perfect opportunity, to teach her how to witness, with the boldness that God gives us when speaking of him, to him, or with him. With a quick glance to ensure that she was paying attention, I dropped a "G-bomb". That is right, I stood there in public talking about GOD! That little girl, and that complete stranger, gave my sick heart, and damaged sprit a boost. God did the rest, and I left the conversation feeling like I had been witnessed to. In fact I had. Those two females used their gifts of silence, and strength to lift me up to The Lord. My heart is still junk, but my soul is restored. Please, use your gifts. You have been given them for a reason. I am ready and willing to be called home. I want to stay here, and tell my story to people all over, but only if that is what God wants. I will fight for every breath, that is meant to be mine, but my last breath, will be God's. I know that not all of you understand that, but hang around me long enough, and you will. I don't want to be me, without him.

     God bless you all, and, I have a request. Tell me your story. Take the time, and tell me. I will not share it. I will not judge you. I just want to know you a little better. Any story of a person's life is a good story. You know I love you all, and always will. Please keep Mary and the girls in your prayers. Being sick is easy, theirs is the hardest road to travel.

                                                                                                                     Mark

     Hey friends, how are ya? I am still holding my head above water. (and my LVAD too for that matter) I haven't posted for awhile, because, I have been living in my camper. Yes, by choice. For those of you who have been absent for a couple of posts, we have some intense flooding out here in Iowa. Our water levels reached almost record levels here in Des Moines, and exceeded previous levels in Iowa City. (Home of the University of Iowa, the Hawkeyes)  Did I mention that I am a West Virginia Mountaineers fan???

     Well, I am sure the title has you scratching your heads saying "Mark has friends??? So, here it is. After a month and a half of relative healthiness, I went into VTach again. I had been doing well, and feeling pretty decent. Then out of the blue, BAM! So we all know the routine by now... Call Mayo, head to the ER, call Iowa Heart, and let the cardiologist know, that I am coming in with VT, and I will probably have to be cardioverted. It is so surreal, because normal people (I assume by now, you all have figured out that I am NOT normal. Not inferior, just not normal.) would be in full panic mode, and calling 911. We gather up my stuff, pack the batteries, pack a "go" bag with clothes and basic necessities and head to Methodist Hospital, here in Des Moines. They look at me as if I am nuts when I walk in and tell them "I am in Vtach". They try to take my pulse, no pulse, puzzled look, try to get a blood pressure, some goofy number that is completely irrelevant, scratch their heads, and last but not least, after all avenues of modern medicine have been exhausted, and still my heart rate is around 160, they ask Mary and me, "what do we do?" "Well doc, first things first, lets start with 150 of lidocaine, then we wait for a little bit, and see if the vt "converts". If it doesn't, we next call Mayo and let the docs speak with the world's greatest PA and find out just where to put the paddles to shock me. It is at this point that they give me a generous dose of "sleepy medicine" and I dance in the flowers with the wood fairies....I mean, I go fishing with Bill Dance, and Kevin Van Dam while Roland Martin, and Jimmy Houston, wait patiently for me to finish schooling the "rookies" so we can load up our gear, and terrorize the largemouth bass. Where were we?

     ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! Again, I am sleeping like a baby for all of this part, but I was awake for the first one, and I do NOT want a repeat performance.  Here is where the good news kicks in. My chubby heart decided it was time to quit playing games, and give the old man a break. Vtach is over. Huh? It couldn't happen BEFORE we traveled 10 miles out of our way to avoid the flooding? I mean, praise God, he answered my prayer, and made the arrhythmia stop, don't get me wrong, I prayed my gratitude immediately, but have you seen the gas prices??? We were about 3-5 minutes from the ER when it simply stopped. Okay, while I am complaining, let me interject, into my own whining, to say this... I had to call Minnesota twice, and Iowa Heart twice, as well. On my cellie! during peak hours! while in VT! I can't catch a break. Long story short, I am okay. I am back in my camper,  writing this little ditty,  for my favorite people in the whole wide world. I am incredibly tired. VT wears you out! But again, I praise God during the good times, and the bad. He has healed me once again.

     Many of you, have been praying for a new heart for me. I have too, for that matter, but a new heart might not mean that I get a new pump to move blood. My body really needs a new pump, but it is well with my soul. I trust God. His wisdom is infinite. He loves us all, and will never let us down. For every day I wait, my donor gets one more chance to come to God. One more chance to say "mom, dad, I love you" If I have to wait a year, for my donor to come to Jesus, isn't that worth it? If I am supposed to receive a transplant, and return to health, it will happen. In the meantime, keep talking to God, I imagine he loves hearing from you.

     Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the lord, my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord, my soul to take.

     God bless each and every one of you. I love you all.

                                                                               Mark