Hi friends and family. I thought I should keep you updated as often as I can because I have been receiving such an outpouring of love and support from all of you. So here goes.

     I have entered week 3 with my new heart. Yesterday was my birthday, I am now 38 years old. It is kind of surreal, because I have based my survival up until transplant, and not so much past that point. No one ever said transplant was easy, and I am not going to be the first. It is scary, beautiful, unsure, tentative, encouraging, emotional, and any number of other emotions one might want to add on. And, oh yeah, painful. If it were easy, though, we would probably be out there swapping organs willy nilly. The irony is that the pain is not what and where one would expect it. I had my chest split open (again), but it is my hands and feet that really hurt. I am swollen with surgical fluids in my abdomen and my legs, but so very happy to be alive.  I mean that.

      One does not appreciate the "dance" with life, until we begin to feel it slip away. Almost any transplant patient will tell you, they were dying when they finally got "the call". I am not sure where I fall in all of this, because I had an LVAD (NO, I DO NOT MISS IT!!!) sustaining my life activities such as blood flow etc. But the act of dying can also be a  thing of beauty. You really learn to notice the little things. You tend to do things based, more on what the impact in the future, and less on the here and now. It is a shame that it takes something like  that to learn to live. Now, I am at the doorstep of a brand new life. I have goals, plans, priorities, desires, wants, and needs that I had totally put aside just to survive. I promised God everyday, that if he brings me through this, like there was ever a doubt that he would, I would serve him for life. And I will. I suppose I should have taken all of my spare time, and made a concrete plan on how this should go, but, then, It wouldn't be my plan, would it? Now the job is to be vigilant, and listen for that still, quiet, call to service. Whether it be speaking, writing, or sweeping a church floor, I am at God's service. That is so liberating to say, and to feel. I feel free at this moment, and so very content in God's love. Folks, please, let him draw close to you. Feel that hug from your past that you long for. Reach for that sense of security that can only come from within the father's arms. I have spent nearly two  weeks in a tail-spin, wondering "what's next?" Well, I figured it out. NEXT is NEXT.

     I have my first heart biopsy tomorrow, to check for rejection. Blood tests to check medication levels, and all sorts of appointments with docs. The thing is, I am no longer "pre-transplant" Transplantation was one of the goals, and as for the goal, WE MADE IT! Now we take the next step. Join me, let's walk this part together also. I love you guys, I really do.

     Hey kids. By now you have heard the news. If you haven't , you have been under a rock or really should check your voice, and email more often. WE GOT A HEART!! Praise God, Praise God, Praise God! I have been wanting to write sooner, and some of you have been getting a little restless, but in all its glory, Heart Transplant still hurts and requires a ton of recovery. I wanted to share it with you all as soon as I could have something to say...DUH! If I type PRAISE GOD! 500 times it won't come close to letting you in on my emotions. I am going to attempt to put some thoughts into legible order, that makes some sense.

     I want to say first, that, this is as much a celebration for all of you, as it is for me. You have sat and read my words and cried with me. You have emailed, called, sent cards, and, most importantly you have praised God with me when things  were pretty tough. You also have prayed with and for me. Well, So, now we can quit praying, huh? Mission accomplished, pack it up, party's over, last one out, turn off the lights. We all know better than that, right? I have been praying since I awakened Monday morning. For all of you. For me. For people up on this floor, that I don't even know. I have learned to love prayer. I find it so comforting. So liberating, so close to God. Never once have I wondered, "where do we go from here?" It has been planned out since before I ever got sick. This is only the beginning.

    I am going to wrap it down for the evening. I am exhausted, and still very weak. They, rightfully so, push me pretty hard up here. I just wanted so say a couple of more things. I am going to survive this, get healthy, and make a goal to visit all of you. I am going to continue my prayers for each of you, and your families. I have so many great ambitions, right now, and I will accomplish them. But for the next few days and weeks, I am going to get better. Pray more, and, as always, I really love you all. The last thing I want to do, is leave you with this thought... I have a brand new heart. It is mind boggling. I have the heart of a person who no longer walks among us. I have the heart of a husband, father, son, brother, (Female is possible, not likely though.) I want you to get to know, and get to love, this heart also. And, pray for the family of the person who saved my live.

     If you are in possession of a firearm, would you please shoot me? Having my teeth pulled and a subsequent open-heart surgery did not generate as much pain, as watching Hannah Montana make the transition to Miley Cyrus. It seems only yesterday that her father (Billy Ray Cyrus for those of you who don't already know) was on stage, in tight jeans singing "Achy-breaky heart".  I am honestly surprised he was able to procreate as tight as his jeans were. YIKES, nurse, gimme some ice...STAT! I would not mind, because what makes my kids happy...blah blah blah...., but c'mon! Half of the songs she is singing are re-makes of songs that were popular waaaaaay before she was born. Her only redeeming quality... let me get back to you on that... my brain just went into hibernation. 20,000 girls screaming in unison, again, please shoot me!!! Maybe if I close my eyes, and wish reaaal hard...nope, didn't work she is still on my TV. I am giving up watching a Nationwide series race so the girls can watch this. Ain't I a super dad?

     The summer is dragging on. Obviously I still haven't gotten a heart. Even more obviously, I am still alive. I am not bedridden, and dying as we speak. I am fighting, winning, living, and working. I DO NOT get depressed. I don't "cry in my beer". (Heck, I don't even drink) I do not envy you. You are healthy, intelligent, beautiful, and compassionate. But how many of you have actually tasted life? or, for that matter, death? I love being alive! It is not fun every day, but, for what it's worth, I'll keep what I already have, thanks.

Let me introduce you to myself. I wake up every day. (so far). For that, I praise GOD! I can stand on my own two feet. For that, I praise God. I have a sharp mind, which is always looking for the funny side of anything and everything. For that, Praise GOD! I have all the riches of the world, and not a penny to spare. For that, I praise God. I have a weak heart, which, gives me a strong faith. For that, Praise God. I have met, if not face to face, then via internet, each one of you. And for that, I praise GOD!

     My blogs take around an hour or so to write. If I have a bad hour, when I am writing, then it will be reflected on the blog. But, please, don't think I am not doing well, because of what I write. I smile. (Even if it is through dentures). When I dream, I always have a healthy heart. So for that brief period of time, I feel healed. That is what makes me keep going. Those dreams feel good. Someday, soon, my body and my mind will be on the same page. On that day, all the angels in heaven will sing in unison. MAN! I got goose bumps. I have already heard it once, and if the choir director takes requests, I want to hear "Til' the Storm passes by" I feel so "at peace" with everything right now. Smile for me. It takes fewer muscles to smile, then it takes to frown

     Go do your thing, rejoice, and know that I am well. I love you all, and knowing you is a gift from God. Have you talked to him lately? He says he misses you.

     Mark

     Hey ya'll, howzit? I am living every day in eager anticipation of the next. I am thankful every time I wake up simply for the fact that I DID wake up. I am alive. I refuse to be sick. (although, my body seldom seems to agree with me) Here are the facts. I am sick, physically. It is hard, to put one foot in front of the other. It is hard, to feel like crap all of the time. It is hard, to not know IF I will ever get a heart. It is hard, to know  that I am dragging you and my family through all of this. It is hard, to make plans for tomorrow. It would be soooooo easy to just quit. I never did like people taking the easy way out...

     I don't want easy. Life is so much more than avoiding the "bumps in the road." Life IS the bumpy road. When it is all over, and you are remembering everything, the bumps are the memories!

     I remember, one time, as a kid, I fell and cut my knee wide open. I needed stitches. Mom had to take me to the hospital. She needed to cover the wound, and could only think of one thing sterile enough to cover it. (it doesn't require a lot of thought, so I won't go down that road) I was in my early teens, and there was no way on God's green earth, that, I was going to the hospital with a Feminine Hygiene Product taped to my knee! Now, 25 years later, that is so funny. Mom and I laugh about it every once in awhile.

   I hope I didn't embarrass her. But, don't you see? Without the story, it is just another scar. To me, that is living. This race all ends the same way for each of us. Some of us will fight to the last breath, some will slip away peacefully in their sleep. Regardless, we all leave something behind. It is not just bravado, when people say "I don't want a bunch of cryin' at my funeral. I don't want that either. I lived! (and, to my knowledge, will continue to do so.) I loved, I laughed (a lot). I hit those bumps at full speed. I hope this hasn't sounded morbid. I am trying to convey the fact, that, I love living. I am not gonna avoid the tough times, because that is  God's plan, not mine. When I go, I get to meet God. How can any part of that not be great?

     It is HOT! Yesterday it was in the mid 90's. The heat index was 108! Yikes! Today is better with a high of only 85 expected. Oh, yeah, we had severe storms last night with a lot of wind damage. It has been a strange year. I am used to hot summers. It is a fact of life. But I am not used to all the severe weather. So far this year, we have had to replace 2 skylights in my camper from hail damage. Our neighbor at the lake had to replace his awning because the high wind destroyed it. My neighbor, here at the house, had a tree split last night. I Know that this is just our turn in the barrel, and all will return to "normal", but it is so strange that there is a drought in the southeastern US, and forest fires in CA.

     If one of you says "yep that is global warming" I am gonna say something not nice to you. How arrogant are we to think that we can destroy God's creation if it is not his will? How arrogant are we to think we can fix it? We all need to do our part, to be sure. Every little bit helps. But how do we explain what happened to the Dinosaurs? The only toxins in the air then, were natural gasses, and TRex farts. Is global warming real? I don't know. Are the ice caps melting? I don't know that either. What I do know is this...

    What are you waiting for? I don't know anything. I can't solve the world's problems. But, I can sure pray for and about them...and you. Have a great day, and, as always, I love you.

                                                                                          Mark

     Hey all. Question...what defines class in your eyes? What extreme would you go to, to hurt someone beyond recovery? When do you hold your tongue, and, is it healthy? Here is the big one...Where is God in all of this? How do we distinguish between God's conviction, and simply suffering the consequences for bad decisions made on your own, without seeking God's will before hand?

     Here are some personal observations... I have curtailed my enthusiasm and unabashed desire to worship God, to avoid offending some. SIN. I have tried to deceive my friends into thinking I am okay. SIN. I have times of self pity, and selfish desires. SIN. I have proclaimed God's glory with my mouth, while allowing Satan to whisper lies into my ear.SIN.

IT ALL STOPS HERE.

     That was so easy to write. Including caps lock, it took a total of 19 keystrokes to type. The transformation that you cannot see, has taken place in my heart. I love God, and I am going to heaven, I have no doubt about that. But I have not allowed God to "take the reigns" of my life, and grow me into what he wants. I have been content to "ride the wave" of asking God into my life. We have been through all of this before, this is nothing new.

     There have been many statements made of my brave fight, and my great faith. DON'T YOU GET IT? If it was just me, I am not sure I would want to be here. Don't let anyone fool you, THIS STINKS! The first thing we all do when we enter the world, is take a huge breath of air. I can't do that. We seek the warmth and comfort our environment offers us. I can't do that either. We laugh, we love, we trust, OH GOD, WHY CAN'T I DO THOSE THINGS? Unconditional love? Is God punishing me? of course not. He is right here, holding me in his arms. Although I have disappointed him before, and will again, I can almost see his eyes looking into mine, and thinking about how much He loves me.

     What could you do to your parent that would make them turn your back on you? No matter what we do in life, Mom, Dad, whomever has loved you, will never stop loving you. God is that, times a million. He might convict us, he might discipline us, through friends and family, but he will never hurt us. HE WILL NEVER HURT US!

     He didn't make me sick. He gave me strength to fight it. He didn't break my heart. He gave me children who still love me, even though, sometimes I suck at fatherhood. When I die, he won't take my life. He will welcome me home. I didn't kill him. He died for me! If what I have written, upsets or bothers you, I am sorry. Not to you, but to God, because he has given me the powerful testimony to convince you of his greatness, and your need for him in your life. If you have gotten this far in reading this, I have planted a seed. If you can pray for me, please do.

     I don't want to sound like I am dying, because, to my knowledge, I am not. Well....you know what I mean. I am not clinically depressed, or deranged. The fact is, I have made a royal mess of my life, my marriage, and my health. I am asking God to bail me out. Whatever is best for him, is what I want for me. I will hold nothing more, because it is not mine. That is the beauty of my God. No matter how badly I screw things up, when I finally called his name... HE RAN TO ME! I weep for joy, right this minute, because his love is undying. It is time we let him in, he has been waiting.

     Hi.

     Fair warning, this is not gonna be good, or long. Just the facts.

     I had VT again last night (Friday, the 4th). I was getting into bed @ 2345, and the heart just "took off". I sat down, and switched ,from battery power on my LVAD, to "house" power, for the night. I no sooner lay my head on the pillow, then here it came, kind of like that freight train in the Coors Light commercial. Out of nowhere. I headed to the ER, for the "usual", and got there around  0020 and was told to find a seat in the waiting room. Are you kidding me? Just how sick do you have to be to get right in? Apparently I did not qualify. Well, the docs went through the normal routine...Scratch their heads, ask questions, you would think someone would write some of this medical information down... Oh yeah, it is written down... Open the chart DUDE! I can be a patient person on occasion, but NOT when I am in VT. I want it fixed, and I want it NOW! Mary was already upset with me for insisting she wake up and take me to the ER, so, she didn't really want to wait either. Well, you know the old saying, "If you want it done right, do it yourself!" So, I did. My heart "Self-converted" @ 0102hrs. I waited another half-hour for the ER doc, who, mind you, had not done a single thing, to this point, literally, to come in and write some mind numbing B.S. to justify the massive ER bill that my insurance company will be receiving forthwith. I think I will send them a bill for screwing me around.

    VT is not painful, I have told you that. But, it is very scary, and I can't breathe. Not to mention that if one remains in "sustained VT" more muscle can be damaged. I don't have any heart muscle to spare at the moment. I don't even have enough for me. If I sound bitter, I am not. I am sick, I am getting sicker, and, I am frustrated. My faith is being tested to it's limit, and dang it, I feel sorry for myself. Don't bother scolding me. I have fought this battle every single day, since October 24, 2005. I need a day off! Please, just one day.

     I am not giving up, I am not depressed. I am optimistic, that we are gonna be well, soon. But, things get hard once in awhile. Ya know?

                                                                                                                                                                                             Mark.

     Hola` hermanos y hermanas. How you doing? You know the title, really, says it all. I am in a super mood, but, I feel like UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, not the best. I am much like my "mistress" (Saylorville lake, for those of you who are unable to visit regularly) am full to overflowing with water. My lungs, and chest are full to capacity, and I am hoping and praying the dam will break soon. Needless to say, the heavy breathing, is from me.

     It is residual symptoms from the VT incident, Tuesday. Since you are reading this on your computer, I will explain the process in "computerese" My system crashed, and had to be completely recovered. Just like Windows Vista, I don't have much to say in the matter. (do not get me started on Vista! It Stinks!!!) You start with the accelerated heart rate. Then your heart has, literally, to be stopped, then re-started,  either by natural processes, Chemicals, or Cardioversion (shock). At this time, the system "re-boots" and you lose all your work! D'OH! I think swear words were created in preparation for computers. I have heard several Christians turned into raving lunatics with a single keystroke. This leaves me feeling empty and rejected, sucking my thumb and singing show tunes from Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music! Okay! you got me, I sang those before my heart went to junk. Don't tell my wife, I just got her convinced I am straight! That is a wasted 14 years.  

     Come on, admit it, you are smiling right now. As previously stated, despite all of the physical stuff, I am in a good mood. Maybe because my mother-in-law cooked me some soup beans and a ham bone. That would explain the noises, and my family's bad mood. It is actually a relief, because I thought a duck with halitosis had been following me around. That would also explain why the rangers make me work outside! So if you have been paying attention, this is all my mother-in-law's fault. No, that can't be right, I just used female logic! (No wonder it  makes no sense!) Sorry ladies, I love you all, but, I can't understand a single one of you. If I still have any friends, let's move on.

     Hey! This Facebook thing is really cool. I have met and re-connected with several people I went to school with. I was a total spazz in school, so most were reluctant to talk to me, but I won 'em over with my winning smile, and my irresistible wit. Wow! I just lost several of you kids with that whole "Spazz" reference, didn't I? Don't ask. If you remember who Spazz is, you are OLD! It is okay, I am in that group also. Come on in, the water is fine.

     Hey, I have a serious question for you.

     Saturday, I took Jordan fishing. The little stink-pot out fished me, but that is not where I am going. My question is this. Are you able to draw strength from other Christians? Can I tell you about my experience?

     We were fishing at Big Creek State Park, Saturday, and it was hot. We were getting ready to leave, when we saw an elderly couple coming in on their pontoon boat. I don't know why, but I waited there until they got to the boat dock. The wife was first off the boat, and her job was to hold the boat in place, while he went up the hill to get the trailer. I happened to notice her wearing a small cross on a necklace, and thought, maybe I should witness to her. She had noticed my LVAD controller, (It's not like you can miss it.) and was trying to politely not stare. I began telling her about it, and what it does, and about the fact that I am waiting for a transplant.  Then it occurred to me, that this was an opportunity to witness. Would I have done so if I hadn't noticed that cross? Many people wear crosses. Earrings, necklaces, even tattoos. That doesn't necessarily mean that they are Christian, or even believe in God, for that matter. But when I began to witness all of God's miracles in my life, her eyes began to radiate a warmth, and tenderness, of a mother, grandmother, and wife. She is a Christian, and probably has been her whole life, I don't know. But the surge of power was amazing. Her eagerness to hear what I had to say, and say what I had to hear, fueled my desire to share all the more. She was a Christian! Awesome.

     I felt a strength, and encouragement to continue. She wasn't being polite. She was drawing strength from ME! What an awesome God we have. She and her husband had been taking their boat for a test run, in preparation for a visit from their son, and grandchildren. When our conversation turned to children, I was looking at my daughter, and beaming with pride. She has a moral compass, that sees no gray areas. There is right, and there is wrong, with her, and you are either one or the other. She doesn't judge, she just seems to know. Her drawback, if you want to call it that, is that she is very shy. I thought this a perfect opportunity, to teach her how to witness, with the boldness that God gives us when speaking of him, to him, or with him. With a quick glance to ensure that she was paying attention, I dropped a "G-bomb". That is right, I stood there in public talking about GOD! That little girl, and that complete stranger, gave my sick heart, and damaged sprit a boost. God did the rest, and I left the conversation feeling like I had been witnessed to. In fact I had. Those two females used their gifts of silence, and strength to lift me up to The Lord. My heart is still junk, but my soul is restored. Please, use your gifts. You have been given them for a reason. I am ready and willing to be called home. I want to stay here, and tell my story to people all over, but only if that is what God wants. I will fight for every breath, that is meant to be mine, but my last breath, will be God's. I know that not all of you understand that, but hang around me long enough, and you will. I don't want to be me, without him.

     God bless you all, and, I have a request. Tell me your story. Take the time, and tell me. I will not share it. I will not judge you. I just want to know you a little better. Any story of a person's life is a good story. You know I love you all, and always will. Please keep Mary and the girls in your prayers. Being sick is easy, theirs is the hardest road to travel.

                                                                                                                     Mark

     Hey friends, how are ya? I am still holding my head above water. (and my LVAD too for that matter) I haven't posted for awhile, because, I have been living in my camper. Yes, by choice. For those of you who have been absent for a couple of posts, we have some intense flooding out here in Iowa. Our water levels reached almost record levels here in Des Moines, and exceeded previous levels in Iowa City. (Home of the University of Iowa, the Hawkeyes)  Did I mention that I am a West Virginia Mountaineers fan???

     Well, I am sure the title has you scratching your heads saying "Mark has friends??? So, here it is. After a month and a half of relative healthiness, I went into VTach again. I had been doing well, and feeling pretty decent. Then out of the blue, BAM! So we all know the routine by now... Call Mayo, head to the ER, call Iowa Heart, and let the cardiologist know, that I am coming in with VT, and I will probably have to be cardioverted. It is so surreal, because normal people (I assume by now, you all have figured out that I am NOT normal. Not inferior, just not normal.) would be in full panic mode, and calling 911. We gather up my stuff, pack the batteries, pack a "go" bag with clothes and basic necessities and head to Methodist Hospital, here in Des Moines. They look at me as if I am nuts when I walk in and tell them "I am in Vtach". They try to take my pulse, no pulse, puzzled look, try to get a blood pressure, some goofy number that is completely irrelevant, scratch their heads, and last but not least, after all avenues of modern medicine have been exhausted, and still my heart rate is around 160, they ask Mary and me, "what do we do?" "Well doc, first things first, lets start with 150 of lidocaine, then we wait for a little bit, and see if the vt "converts". If it doesn't, we next call Mayo and let the docs speak with the world's greatest PA and find out just where to put the paddles to shock me. It is at this point that they give me a generous dose of "sleepy medicine" and I dance in the flowers with the wood fairies....I mean, I go fishing with Bill Dance, and Kevin Van Dam while Roland Martin, and Jimmy Houston, wait patiently for me to finish schooling the "rookies" so we can load up our gear, and terrorize the largemouth bass. Where were we?

     ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! Again, I am sleeping like a baby for all of this part, but I was awake for the first one, and I do NOT want a repeat performance.  Here is where the good news kicks in. My chubby heart decided it was time to quit playing games, and give the old man a break. Vtach is over. Huh? It couldn't happen BEFORE we traveled 10 miles out of our way to avoid the flooding? I mean, praise God, he answered my prayer, and made the arrhythmia stop, don't get me wrong, I prayed my gratitude immediately, but have you seen the gas prices??? We were about 3-5 minutes from the ER when it simply stopped. Okay, while I am complaining, let me interject, into my own whining, to say this... I had to call Minnesota twice, and Iowa Heart twice, as well. On my cellie! during peak hours! while in VT! I can't catch a break. Long story short, I am okay. I am back in my camper,  writing this little ditty,  for my favorite people in the whole wide world. I am incredibly tired. VT wears you out! But again, I praise God during the good times, and the bad. He has healed me once again.

     Many of you, have been praying for a new heart for me. I have too, for that matter, but a new heart might not mean that I get a new pump to move blood. My body really needs a new pump, but it is well with my soul. I trust God. His wisdom is infinite. He loves us all, and will never let us down. For every day I wait, my donor gets one more chance to come to God. One more chance to say "mom, dad, I love you" If I have to wait a year, for my donor to come to Jesus, isn't that worth it? If I am supposed to receive a transplant, and return to health, it will happen. In the meantime, keep talking to God, I imagine he loves hearing from you.

     Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the lord, my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the lord, my soul to take.

     God bless each and every one of you. I love you all.

                                                                               Mark

     Hey kiddo's how are you? I have not been ignoring my writing, I have been quite busy. The rain last night (Wednesday) has slowed things down, a bit. So, I said to myself... "self, what should we do today?" I didn't like the answers I was getting, so I decided to write instead. Most people, when they run out of things to say, talk about the weather. When can any of you remember me not having something to say??? The weather out here is pretty bad. To date, 12 lives have been lost to tornadoes. 8 people in the Parkersburg, Iowa tragedy. Last evening, 4 brave young lives were lost in a tornado in western Iowa. The heroism displayed by all of these young people in the face of this terrifying weather phenomenon, is simply amazing. Some of the older, of these boys used their own bodies to protect the younger.

     Meanwhile, back in central Iowa...We are having floods. (hence, the clever title for this posting)  Some of the flooding has been said to be a once in 500 years event.  Lets stop and think about that. The last time it flooded like this, our ancestors were (unless they are native American) still in Europe, talking funny, and complaining about the king... People walked every where with their heads down. (you had to have your eyes on the ground to avoid stepping on "horse exhaust") I can see it now, some fat guy with a bad heart sitting on his wooden couch, with his quill pen, writing his latest blog. When he finally got around to posting the blog, the floods were gone, and it would be another season or two before his friends got their copy. It would take another couple of seasons before someone could respond and suggest that he take it down to the local school teacher and have him run it through a spell checker for proofreading. AHHHHHHHH! the good ole' days. The rest of our ancestors were laying on the savannah in Africa with a lion munching contentedly on one of his thighs, and thinking, "wow, I sure hope Mark writes something soon," and "wow, having a lion munching on one of my legs kind of stings a little." The lion was probably thinking, " my wife took all the salt out of my diet, but she doesn't know about the salt shaker I keep hidden in my mane."   

      My volunteering is going well. I am quite limited in what I can do, but praise God, I can do something! I am sure Mary appreciates me not being here all day, as much as I appreciate not being here. You might tell yourself that retirement would be great, or taking a year off would be cool, but, trust me, when your day is spent without something to do, getting into trouble is inevitable.  Mary got us a Wii to burn off some of the energy, this summer, but there is not, nor will there ever be, a substitute for getting off your behind, and going out into the sun. (unless there are lions around)

     I want to mention a special lady in my life. Jordan, the youngest, turned 10 yesterday. She was given the choice of what she wanted to do for her birthday, and her answers amazed, and touched my heart. She wanted to go fishing. She wanted to go bowling. She wanted to go to HuHot for dinner. and She wanted to go to church. Other than that, she didn't want much. She has a set of morals that make Mary and me very proud. She is by the book (the bible) with her choices and every day life. She won't even say words as filthy as "crap" or "sex".  She makes me proud and honored to not only know her, but to be her daddy, as well.

     Spiritually, I am doing well. I was able to share my testimony with a group of men last night. One of the things I shared, was the comfort and beauty of "dying" during my heart attack. It all came flooding back to me, and it was beautiful. When things seem dark, God always gives me an opportunity like this, to remind me how much he loves me, and, how much I need him. When I think, speak, or pray about, or to, God, I feel such a power and peace of God flowing through me. Do you suppose this is what the disciples felt like? Many of the 12 died horrible deaths because they were associated with Jesus, and his ministry. They knew (because he told them) that they would suffer greatly for their association with him, and yet they continued to spread the good news. John is the only one believed to have died of "natural causes" as a old man. That is the God I work for. He inspires men (and women) to stare death in the eye, and proclaim his greatness. I am prepared to lay my life down for him, because I have had a glimpse of what lays beyond my life. That is why I am a believer. Fear of death, is a human emotion. People say "life is precious", but that is because we are made to think that life here on earth is all there is. I don't want to die, but I know that death is only a beginning. If you don't believe like I do, or consider me pathetic, that is fine. Write your own blog. I won't love you any less. I won't look down on you. I won't say "I'll pray for you," and use it as a judgement on how you are living. I will simply pray that God will show you what he has shown me. If seeing is believing, I believe!

   I want to leave you with that final thought. As always, I love you guys. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. My prayers will be with you.

                                                             Mark  

          Hello young-uns. (and not so young-uns, you know who you are...) How are things? How have you folks been? What is shaking? (don't answer that last one) I am in an ornery mood, so look out.

      The first business I want to cover, is a pot-shot at a friend in Georgia. He once told me that they measure fish between the eyes down there because they are so big. I mistakenly assumed that he was referring to the fish, not his head... The fact is, they are so small down there that they have to hold them up between their eyes so they look bigger! I heard that North Georgia is the only fishery in the United States where the bait actually has a fighting chance. Sadly enough, ya'all fillet and cook what we of the "barren northwest" (his words, not mine) fondly refer to as "bait"

     I am writing this today, because I have to travel to Mayo tomorrow. I am going to ask them, if next time I can just mail them a half-gallon of blood, a picture of me without a shirt, and Save the Psychologist the time by declaring myself "NUTS!" I could even get letters of reference from most, if not all, of you! (It is at this point where you all should be disagreeing with me.)

     I make no bones about shamelessly plugging my employer, Old Dominion Freight Line. I just want to share WHY I love them. I am a part of a family. My company puts out a quarterly, company news magazine. This quarter's magazine arrived in the mail, and when I opened it, I began reading an article on myself. What an honor. Better yet, what an opportunity.  I often share my views of God and Godliness with you guys. OD has a network of prayer warriors. A simple email, puts people and prayer into motion. People who stop what they are doing, bow their heads and petition God for the safety and healing of someone whom, they have possibly never met. Anyone can mail one in, but my brothers and sisters mean it. It is so liberating to not only be allowed to share prayer, but to be encouraged to do so.

     I can feel when we all pray as one. It is a power that just makes you shake and quiver all over. Why do you think you get cold chills sometimes in church, during a prayer, or a hymn? That is the spirit of God touching you, his child, as he fills your heart. Have you ever started crying for no reason? Have you ever had the thought of a loved one, or a friend just "pop" into your head at an odd time, and you feel like praying? Do you still think God is a hands off God? Do you still think he has left us here to suffer and die? NO! He takes 99.9% of the suffering, meant for us, on himself. I am not a preacher, but you don't have to be a preacher to be a witness of God's power, and love. I hear all the time about the battles between Christians, and non-believers. Don't you think he would want all of us to come home?

     As for why I am in such a good mood, I have a mistress! She has a flowing body, awesome power due to her sheer mass, and she accepts the fact that I am married and have two awesome daughters. I like to spend time with her when my wife is at work. Some of you are praying for me right now, some of you are wearing a tentative expression wondering "where is he going with this?" I will draw out the suspense even one step further. Her last name is Lake! Yes, it is true, I have returned to the lake I love so much. Saylorville Lake, in the Des Moines area. I have begun taking baby steps by volunteering again. I am constantly sick, and/or in pain, but at least I am outdoors, and fighting this illness on my feet! (Actually I spend most of my time on my butt, but you know what I mean) Someone, in his youthful, but wise beyond his years, judgement, has allowed me to drive up and down the bike trail around the lake, looking for renegade sticks and leaves that have the potential to threaten the joggers, and bikers who use the trail. I take my position very seriously, because I earn camping as compensation for my "work". I might need that if Mary reads this and finds out she ain't the only lady in my life. She has been known to occasionally join us. Get your mind out of the gutter! Mary volunteers at the lake also. She is a sucker for men in uniform. Me, I just like nurses!

     Just kidding, Ya'all, I have had a good time. Take it easy, and let's do this again soon. As always, I love you, God bless, and let's keep praying for each other.

      Mark.

     Hello friends, how are you? If you read the title, and managed not to snicker, or giggle, you would see that I am referring to my last blog. I usually will go back after a couple of days have passed, and re-read what I have written. My eyes are still in recovery...I forgot to upsize the font before writing, and after it's published the only way to fix it is to rewrite it. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Like some people who write, I "disassociate" from my work after it is written. I don't dislike it, and I am not ashamed of it, but I write as a method of emotional relief. After it is written, it is a relief for me. I could not write it with the heart you have come to know as "my style" if I had to sit and think it out. So, we live, and we learn.

     That is not the only reason I chose to use the title.

     I went into the memorial day weekend fully expecting a phone call. I just knew it was going to happen. It did not. There are several reasons why I haven't gotten a heart yet. First and foremost, it is not yet God's will. Second, size does matter. I require a larger heart to power this magnificent body. (hey, let me believe that, I just pretended I didn't see you picking your nose!) To place a smaller heart in me, would not do anyone any good. The sacrifice of the donor and his/her family, as well as the time of all the personnel who would have to be involved with the transplant. I am not sure how long I would survive, but I doubt very long, as it would put an immense strain on the heart. Would you use the water pump from a goldfish tank to empty a swimming pool? I just saw the light go on...

     I mentioned God's will as one of the reasons I haven't gotten the heart yet. As humans, we can not really know God's will. It will be revealed to us, over time. Maybe God wants to give my donor every last opportunity to repent and seek salvation. Maybe I am not going to get a heart. Maybe I will get the call in the next 5 minutes. The previous explanations are nothing more than what they appear to be. Emotion driven guesses. I struggle every day, with my faith. No, I am not losing faith, but I pray for healing each day with the belief that it will happen. Who is to say I am not receiving healing each time? Every time I pray myself to sleep, I wake up the next day feeling alive. Is that not healing? God is a great God and the only thing I need to know, is that his will is for my good, and his glory. Yes I am terrified. Death is an ever present companion. If I seem brave, to you, for carrying on this fight, then know, that God is the only reason I don't break down and cry sometimes. Instead he touches me, and I laugh.

     I would like to welcome several new visitors. Be on your best behavior (especially you nurses, I've got my eyes on you). What started as me writing random thoughts, and chronicling my journey with heart disease, has grown exponentially. Praise God! We now (I say "we" because you are all as much a part of this as I am) have several hundred readers. It has even gone international. (no, Minnesota is not yet another country, as much as the rest of us Iowans would like to see that. hee hee hee) We have a beautiful young lady in the UK, who herself is the recipient of a double lung transplant. And although Hawaii is not another country, we even have a friend there. Welcome friends, and feel free to use the comment section to introduce yourselves, or even advertise your own blogs. Both of their stories are quite amazing.

     Have I told you all lately, how much I love you? Don't get all softheaded on me, I was just askin' a question. I am humbled by your prayers and outpouring of well wishes. I am so thankful to be your friend.

    Wish me luck. I am headed back out to the camper this weekend. We discovered last night (Thursday) that the recent hail storm did more damage than previously thought. We have a leak directly over our bed! The only way I know of, to come to that conclusion, is during a rain storm. Nothing like waking up at 0132hrs with the distinct flash and crack of lightning and thunder, and discover your legs are soaked. I guess the good news is that I was not the source of the aforementioned moisture. Remember, small victories...

    Well, lads and ladies, I am spent. It is a good kind of tired, though, and fortunately,I have the leisure time for a nap. I am not rubbing it in, trust me, I would much rather be working. I would ask for some additional prayer, however, as I will be starting a new adventure, with some old friends. I report for "duty" Monday, and we'll see how it goes. I hope to share more information at my next writing. Until then, God bless, and as always, I love you.

      Mark

     Hey friends. How's it? What was your Memorial Day weekend like? Mine was good. I got hail damage on my pickup, and Mary got hail damage on her car. My camper, not to be outdone, received it's own hail damage. Several well aimed hail stones penetrated my bathroom, bedroom, and our daughters bedroom skylight's. I can't wait to see how much replacing those will cost. We had some severe weather here in Iowa, and Minnesota as well.  Six people lost their lives, so my dents and dings don't seem so big now. If God ever lets me choose how I meet my death, I guarantee, it will not be in a tornado. When I heard, I said a silent prayer for all those people touched by the tornado's havoc wreaking march through the heartland. Why be silent?

     When we pray, it is not a public declaration. It is you, and God, talking. Saying grace at a family picnic is not a bad thing, that is not what I am saying at all. The Philistines of the biblical days would cry out, making much commotion, and drawing attention to their "dedication and servitude" to God. Here is something to think about. If I am asking you to borrow five bucks, or thanking you for loaning me some toothpaste, (yes, I am aware that I have no teeth) I am not going to walk into Wal Mart, and scream at the top of my lungs. I would wait until you were available, (although God is always available) and quietly conduct my business with you. That is not because I am ashamed of being your friend, or not grateful. I am not ashamedS  of God either, or telling people, what a big loving God we have watching over us.

     Just as I email you with personal greetings, or send you a link to my writings, prayer is a gift God gave us. It is like the "red phone" or the "Bat phone" or any number of movie cliche's I could throw in, here. Prayer is a "direct line" to our lord and savior. There are times, when a conversation is public, or of a broad topic, and times for conversations to be a little more private. I pray frequently, and God knows my heart.

     I have not written for  awhile, have I? I have been laying low. My 1a status has been renewed. It has to be reviewed and renewed every 14 days. So I am still waiting. I am in good spirits, I am physically able to stand, and move around. I look like I feel fine. No, I did not leave out a comma, I look pretty good. All the bad stuff is on the inside. I was told that there is nothing else that can be done for me, and I would have to learn to live with frequent VTach until I get a heart. I am learning to live with it, but that doesn't change the fact that IT SUCKS! I cannot twist, bend, or raise my arms without the risk of setting it off. Am I complaining? Yeah, kinda. I am allowed to get frustrated once in awhile. I have several friends who have already gotten their new hearts, and, I want to feel like that. I want to so badly I dream about it. I am not depressed, whiney, or any of that, I just want to get on with my life. So why not get on with it? Well, I am pretty limited by my circumstances. I am sort of on a leash. I have to stay ready for a call that might come. I cannot go swimming, or fishing for medical reasons. Taking a shower requires an act of congress. Every time I move, I risk going into VT. But, I am happy to report, I am getting on with life.

     I remain calm, and comfortable in God's love and grace. I have so much to be thankful for. My family is healthy, my friends are healthy, and I am in a wonderful mood. I am so thankful to all of my friends @ Old Dominion Freight Line. I have received many cards and letters from complete strangers. They have been praying with, and for, me, since all of this began. I remain vigilant, and continue to watch the clouds. Did you know that it is only natural, to smile when you look up?

     I am entering my second straight week of camping. Not that what I do qualifies as camping, but I am staying in my camper, in a campground about 12 minutes from my house. I did rough it some this weekend...My satellite went out a couple of times, and I had to watch movies on my DVD player. I even had to go outside a couple of times. (Mary was very much against building the campfire inside the camper) We attended a graduation party for the son of a friend. I have known him since he was very small. It makes me feel old. But, not as old as his dad!!!

     I want to wrap this up with a memorial to a friend. His name is Troy. His name will be on the list for the last time when I send this out. Troy passed away this weekend. He was 21 years old, and fun to talk to. I met Troy up at St. Mary's Hospital when I was up there in January having my LVAD installed. I can't remember a time when I didn't see him smiling. He had the love of two great parents, and a family who was proud of him. He also had the love of a special young lady who had to call me and deliver the sad news. He always talked about Valerie, and even used a picture of the two of them smooching as his screen image on IM. His other endearing quality, is that he was a Dallas Cowboys fan. God has called him home, and he went peacefully, and gracefully in his sleep. God bless you Troy, I will miss you greatly,  and God bless all of you.

     Guys, I would like to change gears. I am going to write this for me. It is my gift to you. A personal glimpse into my journey with heart disease. I am going to describe an emotional journey, that is both heart breaking, and uplifting at the same time.  I will preface this by saying that God is the boss in my life. I want you to meet him through my eyes.

     October 22, 2005. I was out camping with some friends. It was "my time" as Mary and the girls were having a mother/daughter weekend about 45 minutes away. My mind set was "the cat's away, the mice will play." It shames me to write this, but I must. I smoked at the time (Mary thought I had quit) so I seized the opportunity to let my hair down. I also had an alcoholic beverage, since I am laying it all out here. Is that what caused my heart attack? NO!  Just two days later, and a world away, my life was about to change forever.

     All my adult life, I lived like an indestructible man. Nothing was gonna get me. I had several warnings to be sure, but I couldn't die. I remember at one point right before warning number one, I weighed 420 pounds. I was proud of that. Maybe I was seeking attention, or any other number of excuses, It is irrelevant at this point. I found out during a D.O.T. physical that I was type 2 diabetic. Whatever. I stopped drinking regular soda, (Mountain Dew) and switched to diet soda. I lost 60 pounds, and felt good about myself. That in and of itself is sick. I was, and am to this day, covered with discolored "stretch marks" around my abdomen. I once got stuck in a water ride, at a water park in California. That was awkward.  It is okay for a guy as good looking as me to be fat...Right?

     Over the next few years, we started a family, got off the road, and settled into an average lifestyle. I even went to church once in awhile. As a shameless bribe, my mother-in-law, would cook a big Sunday dinner for us if we went to church. I was meeting, and needing God, for the first time in a long time. Seeds were being planted, but a long way away from harvest. I can remember, when Caitlyn and Jordan were born, wanting to cry, and feel those emotions that a new father should feel. Nothing. I was living for me, and that was an interruption. I love my girls intensely, don't get me wrong, but my sense of love, and how to show it are warped, at best. I am not beating myself up, here, I am weaving a tangled web. If you have gotten this far, I am doing my job.

     Fast forwarding to more "present day" events, we go to Easter, 2003. It was not Easter day, but it was close. I asked God into my heart. I had made a mess of things, and I needed something I lost when I was 6 years old. A father. I got  onto my knees in a motel, in East St. Louis, IL and asked him in. When I opened my eyes, something had changed, but what? I was still me, still weak, still fat, still...All I knew was that something had changed.

     We are hurtling back to 2005, but I need to say this. I never saw any mountains moved. I never saw any blind men cured. I wasn't getting what I had signed up for. I also wasn't being taught what I needed. The natural progression, was backsliding. You don't have to feel guilty when you try to live on your own. Accountability? To Whom? What had God ever done for me? Yeah, I got saved, but my language and actions sure didn't show it. It seemed, looking back, that the more I felt the need for God, the more I rejected him. I only wanted him around when it was convenient for me. I stated, that I had gotten saved, but I felt less and less confident in my faith.

          I was zooming headlong into another "warning" that yet again, I would ignore. Looking back, I remember, what became known as my "first heart attack, vividly. (hindsight, as they say, is 20/20) I awoke in the middle of night, and could not breathe. I felt a tightness in my chest, and lightheadedness. So what did I do? I went and sat on the couch, and eventually it subsided, and I forgot about it. If only...spilled milk. I am not sure exactly when it happened, but, it would have changed the outcome greatly if I had gotten checked out. Aside from the obvious, I would not have Met most of you, and more importantly, I wouldn't have "met" God. There is a lesson in this for you. Get it checked out. Don't self diagnose, don't wait for it to go away, don't forget about it. Get help.   

     October 24, 2005 I met God face to face. Some will scoff, disbelieve, say that I was just dying, and grasping for straws, but he became as real to me that day, as every one of you.

     My heart stopped 3 times. I DIED 3 times! This is the moment I found out what being saved really meant. I struggled with salvation, and the idea of God, and what he meant to us for as long as I can remember, but, I never had the big moment that made it all click.

    We're losing him! Mark, stay with us. Come on big guy, we are almost there. Fade to black...Beautiful. I can never adequately surmise what I felt, but I am going to try. I experienced, comfort. I prayed, because I realized I was in trouble. Isn't that  why you get saved? For times like this? I heard the voice of God that moment. It was so surreal, because, while my heart had stopped, I remained conscious. I heard the frantic voices of doctors, p.a's, nurses, and even Mary was there somewhere out of my line of sight. I was in the most beautiful place a person could ever be in. It was so peaceful. So calm. So right. So...God.  It was at that moment that I found the word to describe all of those feelings. Forgiven. All was right, and if I didn't make it, it was all right. Mary and  the girls would be fine. I would be fine. I know it is an oxymoron, but it was intense serenity. Beautiful. This is where I want to be. The me that I saw, was beautiful. I think God had just allowed me to see a glimpse of what he sees. GO BACK! Huh? GO BACK AND TELL THEM I LOVE THEM! Mark, this is gonna hurt like Hell, but I gotta shock you. BAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!  Hey, where did God go?

     He is here. I had been "Dead" again. Or had I? I don't know if I smiled, but I experienced euphoria. Skeptics will say the anesthesia was taking effect. I feel sorry for them. I had just been shown, what is waiting when life as we know it, ends. There was no light. There was no choir of angels. None of my relatives waiting to welcome me home. Only...Him, and me. When it is over for good, for me, I get to experience that again. I can wait, because I want to share that feeling with as many people as I can. When I pray, I have the benefit of having "met" the great "I am". I feel a familiarity that is comforting to me. I feel like I am talking to my father....

                                                                                                                                  More to come...later

                                                                                                                                                Mark

     Hey lads and ladies, long time, no see. How have you all been? I have been home one week today. It has not been fun, I have not felt well, but, it is home. I have several new friends to give a shout-out to. They are all people who have come together on a website with a theme near and dear to my heart. It is called Transplantcafe.com . There are somewhere around 200 members, now, but I really enjoy it. These are people who have been touched by the transplant process. Some donated their loved one's organs. Most are people who have received the life-saving transplants. One person actually donated part of their liver to their stepfather! (I made that "gender non-specific on purpose) There is something special about unloading my frustrations on people who have been in the exact same spot.

    Awwwww gee, don't be that way, I will still be unloading on you guys... So how HAVE you been? I talk to some of you sporadically (the computer accepted that spelling, so, if it is wrong, NOT MY FAULT!), but I miss writing. The truth is, I don't feel like it. No I'm not being standoffish, I simply don't feel well. I am going to get my whining out of the way now, so we can get into more fun topics.

     My pump SUCKS! I am not using foul language, that is simply what it does. The problem is, it seems to be sucking a little too hard. I am back to having "suck-downs". (it does NOT involve beverages) The pump seems to have shrunk down my ventricle. That causes the canula to poke the back of my heart, thus angering it. It then fights back by going into VTach.  We have been down this road before. I will have to return to Mayo, and probably have the pump RPM's lowered slightly. But that is for the docs to decide. I trust their decisions, and God is holding my hand. That beats any insurance policy I have ever heard of.

     Spring has finally arrived, and is here to stay! The verdant lawns, growing up lush and thick. Reveling in the promise of rapid growth, and swaying in the gentle breezes. Robins picking the insects from within their velvety folds............Ahhhhhhh, LAWNMOWER!!!!!!! What? It needed mowed! Young lady, there are people in Arizona who would love to have grass to mow! Go to your room! NOW! I'll bet ya'all never saw that coming did you? I do love spring. The only problem, is, the weeds always seem to outgrow the grass. Where is that fair? Yeah, I could pull the weeds. I'll put that on my "to do" list! It will be somewhere behind fishing, camping, etc. If God had wanted us pulling weeds, he would have created us with special claws. That silly little garden claw does not count...

     How have you been spiritually? I have heard from several of you this week, sending me words of encouragement. This verse was in my E-devotion this morning. It speaks for itself.

James 5:16
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

 I got a lot out of that simple verse. It seems, that God knows what we need to hear, and puts it into our path, for the day. If I wake up, and see a bad day coming on, and I don't want to do my devotions, I think, "God might want to tell me something." That is my motivation to face the day, and this heart disease. Oops, I have spilled the beans now. Yes folks, he is my savior, my rock, and my healer. He wants to be the same for you. Ya got a minute? He'll give you a lifetime. He has never left me alone.

     Guys, and gals, I have nothing but spare time. If any of you needs special prayer, I would be honored to pray for or with you. You may roll your eyes, because I have on the other side of salvation, but I assure you, you can never experience more intense love than God. That is not an opinion.

     I will be dedicating myself to some in depth Bible study, going forward. I have only scratched the surface, and it is time to go deeper. Pray God speaks to me in new and powerful ways. Don't forget, if there as any need, that I can meet, please don't hesitate to ask. Knowing you here on earth is awesome. Knowing you in Heaven is forever.

     As always, I love you all. God bless.

                                        Mark

What do you say at the end of a life?

He was a good man, or she, a good wife.

"Dearly departed, we gather to grieve,

tis such a shame that he had to leave,"

She was such a beauty,

a pert,  little lass.

It is such a shame,

that she had to pass.

We'll always remember, the spouse,  and the kids,

the fun times we had, and things that we did.

Camping the mountains, throwing the ball,

Mowing in summer, raking in Fall.

Mom's homemade cakes, cookies, and sweets,

We'd all gather 'round, eager to eat.

"Help me clean up, The guests will arrive,

behave yourself if you want to survive."

The ones we have lost will surely be missed,

The monsters they've slain, the owie's they've kissed.

If memories of loved ones, you hold them so dear,

Shouldn't you tell them while they're still here?

                                  Mark McGrew May 13, 2008

     Good morning, and happy Mother's Day. It is a perfect day here in Iowa...we are expecting a high temperature of 55 degrees, with winds gusting up to 40mph. (yes I am being facetious) Did you call your mom? Does she know that you appreciate her hard work, and all those years spent worrying? If you don't have the best relationship with her, isn't there something you can appreciate about her? Besides, guys, if you drop the ball on this one, your father's day present is gonna stink! I think I should buy Mary some fishing gear I, I mean, She has been wanting.

     It is Sunday, and I am at home, still. We are being "treated" to a Violin concert by Jordan. This is where we earn our keep as parents. We politely smile and congratulate their musical talent, in spite of our shattered ear drums. The blood running out of our ears is just a side effect, from the music produced by a beaming 9 year old. I am, of course, joking.  I missed the sounds of everyday life last week. The constant pulse monitors, and beeping machines from various IV drips tends to "turn off" your hearing. You become numb to sound, and it takes a couple of days to re-adjust. It is great to be home. No matter how short the stay is.

     I feel like I am out on a weekend pass. Last night, I heard and felt the first effects of a "suck down". That, is when the pump draws down the ventricle and the canula...I have explained all this before. The bottom line, is that, all is not well. I am sick of being sick. It is not so much physical, I can handle that. It is the strain it is putting on my family. When, "are you going to have to go back to the hospital?" becomes a part of a normal conversation between a father and a daughter, you know it is causing stress. I think they are campaigning for cars when they are older. They are so loving and understanding. I lost my father, when I was 6. I remember how surreal it was. That is my inspiration to fight on. They deserve to reap the benefits of a new heart as much as I do.

     I am not sure where to go from there, but I will change the subject. Sooooooooooooo, have any of you been fishing yet? I know RW has, I have seen pictures. (If that is all the bigger Largemouth Bass get, in Georgia, I will have to bring some with me.) (JUST KIDDING!) I have not been fishing yet this year. Well, let me take that back. The girls have a "fishing" program on their video game system, and I have played that once. I think my good friend, JDP has been been fishing, but I have seen him fish. They are all safe.

     Someone tell me, how was church? I miss it so much. I had intended to go to church, today, but the way I feel, I don't think I would make it through the service. So where do we experience God when we can't go to church? He is where he has always been. In my heart. The problem is, that worship is contagious. When you are part of a congregation, and God is moving en masse through the crowd, everyone there gets blessed. I miss that the most. I can read the bible, and pray all day, but God says,that "where two or more are gathered, there I will be." Church isn't just about our belief in God, It is about sharing our belief as a family. When someone around me raises his or her arms in Supplication to the lord, I feel stronger, and closer to God. Satan doesn't attack a crowd, he slinks around the edges, picking off the weaker ones, one by one. Not being a part of the congregation, I am weakened. Worse yet, where I go (or in this case, where I don't go), so goes my family. That is the hardest part. Please pray for them, and me.

     I will keep you posted, as always on day to day life. Until the next time, I love you all, and Your prayers are a blessing to the Iowa branch of The McGrew family. God bless, and keep you.

                                                                   Mark.

     Good morning friends. I sincerely hope that you are all well, and that someone, somewhere, is praying for you. I am basking in the awesome afterglow of yesterday's visit with the Lord. I know, that what I wrote has had an effect on some of you, and that is good. The important thing to remember, though, is that I am still me. I want you to experience a "light moment" when you read my writing. (without the aid of beans and diet coke.)  I write about everyday life. As you know, life is not always funny....

     Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it is confusing. Sometimes it is absolutely frustrating and you question your surroundings. Whew! I had to re-read that, there for a minute I thought I was writing what it is like for Mary, being married to me. It is okay. It is like breaking wind in church, you want to laugh, but is it wrong? I stink not! Laughter is a gift from God, as is, a sense of humor. Think about it, if God did not have a sense of humor, then why is Tony Stewart on TV every Sunday? That made you think, didn't it? I am just kidding, sometimes they race on Saturday nights....

     Medically, I am healthy as a horse.... OKAY OKAY, I know. I am trying mind over matter. I think I am feeling somewhat better then I felt when I got here. I haven't had VT since Friday, and I am not as tired as I have been lately. The only real complaint, is that I miss my family. It 4 days to get there, but I do miss them. (Joking!!!) (I mean about the 4 days) How much hot water do you think I would have been in with Caitlyn, and Jordan, if I hadn't cleared that up.

    I do want to take a moment to have you stop reading, and take the time to pray for Mary's great aunt. She passed away Friday. She was a sweet lady whom I had the pleasure of meeting two or three times. God bless you on your way home Erma.

     You might want to check my blog more often. I am in the hospital with a laptop, and a lot of free time. Mayo has blocked all of the morally questionable sites (which I wouldn't visit anyway) so writing is my refuge. I have some stuff bouncing around my head, so, posting twice a day is not unrealistic. If what I write is not up to par in your eyes, remember I am frequently medicated, so I have a built-in excuse.

    Lastly, please, do me a favor. Smile at somebody. If you don't have the words to speak to them, or the ability to touch them, a smile can be magical. Don't just bare your teeth, let the smile radiate up to your eyes. Who know, maybe it will make your day too.

As always, I love you all, and pray for you.

                                                        Mark

   Friends, PRAISE GOD, for my eyes have been opened. I have written in the past, to entertain, encourage, and seek your praise.  I received an email from a prayer friend, that completely changed the way I think. I have been humbled by her words, because, God gave them to her. I love God, that is not in question. But I have been seeking your approval. I even changed the way I write some things, because I wanted to please MAN!. In essence, I was blinded. My soul is so free right now. I have sold out. My life is no longer my own, but I beg God to accept it, and use me, alive or dead. Alive would be great, but I truly, no longer care. I have spoken before of the freedom and peace, he gives me. I was weak and selfish. It is not about me. It never was. I MADE it about me while pretending. The following is my prayer...

     Did you hear it? You didn't need to hear it, God heard it. He has healed my spiritual heart, and the future no longer matters. Whatever happens from here on out, My life will praise God. Folks, join me in weeping, as I beg God's forgiveness. The sad thing is that God has already forgiven me. That is what he did that day at Golgotha.  Pray that he will allow me to forgive myself. There are several pastors in readership here, and at some point in their lives, they have had a moment like this. I am not comparing myself to these men of God, but I promise you, they have cold chills right now. This is why they toil, and preach. To see moments like this. I don't want to ever get stale again, unless it can end, or rather begin, like this. Please share your silent prayer with our father, right now.

    I think this is the place where I will leave you to ponder.

   As always and like never before, I love  you all.

                                                                   Mark

    Okay kids that was the hint.(the title)  Where in the world is Mark McGrew?

    Hi all, and how the heck are you? I am back at Club Med for an oil change, and a new oil filter. The problem is, my mechanic found a problem that needs urgent attention. No, my air filter is fine, (that is actually funny) it is my heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, here we go again... Well, yeah.

     Most of you keep up with my chronicled exploits, as I patiently wait for a new heart. Some of you read just because there are pictures of my handsome mug on the main page. You are shameless!  Well, I'm not going to lie to you...I am handsome! Just kidding. As the rest of you now know, I am back in the hospital. I came in last night, and received a welcome reserved only for dignitaries. No expense was spared, as I was offered the finest needles, and the most luxurious bedpans, money (my insurance money) could buy. I have yet to go to a hospital that has heard of generic medicines. Nothing but the best for me.

     Actually, I was welcome. It was kind of bittersweet. On one hand, it was great to see and visit some of the people who have become my friends. On the other hand, they are nurses, and this is the hospital. Can't we just have a picnic somewhere? I'll bring the needles and 'tater salad. Anyway, my visit to the "step-down unit" was to be cut short.

    I got out of my bed to go to the restroom, and OH BOY! (Not the smell), VTach. Again. I returned to my bed and was given a helping hand to sit down. I then looked at the monitor, only to confirm what I already knew. This, in and of itself, is no reason to panic. In fact just the opposite. Pay Attention, this could save you life someday...

     There are several ways to help calm a rapid heartbeat. First, call 911. Even if one of the following methods is effective, something is causing your heart to get angry. Let a doctor figure it out.  1) cough. draw a deep breath, and cough. As you take in the big breath of air, your lungs expand, massaging the heart. When you let out the cough, the diaphragmatic contraction can give the heart a quick little squeeze.2) Bear down. pretend you are trying to break wind. (no giggles here. ok, 1 each) this is the same concept as coughing, only it gives the heart a longer squeeze. 3) Try different positions with your body. 4) Take a baby aspirin or two. They have been berating us for years, on tv,  that aspirin could save our lives. If you don't have any, try to find someone who does. If you don't want to take me seriously, I'll save a bed for you. I was a tough guy and thought I was bulletproof. I had a smaller heart attack weeks before I had the "big one". If I had gone to the hospital... Spilled milk.

      I have had an awakening in God. I had gotten stale, as you know from my last installment, and needed my cup filled back up. Our great and faithful God, once again, heard my, and your, prayers, and came to my aid. It was not what we all would typically call a blessing. I got VT. What a gift!!! I would go through it every day if that is what It took to wake me up. We gathered as a family, last night, and prayed. Not a loud, boisterous, roof raising call to God. Just 1 small family, holding hands, and quietly asking for God's will to be done. I get cold chills, just thinking about the feeling of calm, and peace that descended on me like a gentle rain. As the anesthesia began to have it's effect,  I knew that I was leaving my family in good hands. I did not worry about "what if I don't wake up" or any other of a number of thoughts, that Satan puts in our heads, in an attempt to shake your faith. Folks, I hope and pray, that at some point in your lives, you feel that peace. AMEN.

      As always, I love you all. Please share.

                                                       Mark

     Hello friends, how are you? I am doing okay. Not the best, but I have been worse. My heart is not playing nicely, but he can't go anywhere without me. I think that is what is called a symbiotic relationship. I can't live without it, and it can't live without me.

     Spiritually, I need prayer. I have had a pretty tough time recently, and my relationship with God has suffered greatly. I get frustrated, because I see some of the worst people out there getting new hearts, or any other number of things that I would like to have. They don't ask God, and they don't thank God. Do you want to know what keeps me going?  Knowing that our lives here on earth are short-term. Some times, we get wrapped up in the here and now, and we don't think about eternity. Please don't think I am bitter, because I am not wealthy, I'm not. It actually is just the opposite. I feel bad for the wealthy who have no God other than the faces of the people printed on their money. I would rather live in squalor and go to heaven, then live wealthy and ...

     On the other hand, God doesn't forbid us wealth. He wants us to have things. He wants us to be happy. Do you think the guy with a boat, or the camper, or the gas guzzling SUV is not a Christian believer?  What gets us in trouble is when that is what we live for. I have stated on many occasions, that I love camping. I have a camper, and a gas guzzling truck. Both of which I had before my heart attack and medical problems. I thank God for him allowing me to keep those things and the friends I have made while camping. In return for his generosity I tell people about the love that God has for us. That really is what it all boils down to, isn't it? That, friends, is the great commission. "Go forth and make believers of all men in all nations." That doesn't mean that every person I talk to will fall to their knees and beg God to come into their hearts. In fact I don't think I have seen it happen yet. I am not the harvester of grains. I am the planter of seeds. What that means is that my reward is knowing that I am able to serve God in spite of my limitations. In the long run...I have no limitations. Whether or not I get a heart is irrelevant.

     DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATH.

     I just wanted to get that off my chest. I needed to hear that. I think we all did. Having written that, I feel God drawing closer to me. I have a peace now. Maybe I am the only person who needed to hear that. Maybe not.

     On the weather front. (yeah,  I know, but it is hard to transition after what I just wrote.) Winter has lost some or even most of its  grip. We are anticipating high temperatures...Oh hang on. This just in...IT is still cold!!! It is May, 2, and it is still cold! We are expecting a high temperature....Oh snap! our high temperature came just after midnight last night. 63 degrees! It is now 57 degrees and still...dropping. Oh well, Last month we were whining about the 40's and at least we stay in the 60's nowadays. We are never satisfied.

     I will keep you updated, on all the latest medical drama. There is plenty to report, and if not, I'll make something up.

    As always, I love you all.

                                           Mark