If you are in possession of a firearm, would you please shoot me? Having my teeth pulled and a subsequent open-heart surgery did not generate as much pain, as watching Hannah Montana make the transition to Miley Cyrus. It seems only yesterday that her father (Billy Ray Cyrus for those of you who don't already know) was on stage, in tight jeans singing "Achy-breaky heart".  I am honestly surprised he was able to procreate as tight as his jeans were. YIKES, nurse, gimme some ice...STAT! I would not mind, because what makes my kids happy...blah blah blah...., but c'mon! Half of the songs she is singing are re-makes of songs that were popular waaaaaay before she was born. Her only redeeming quality... let me get back to you on that... my brain just went into hibernation. 20,000 girls screaming in unison, again, please shoot me!!! Maybe if I close my eyes, and wish reaaal hard...nope, didn't work she is still on my TV. I am giving up watching a Nationwide series race so the girls can watch this. Ain't I a super dad?

     The summer is dragging on. Obviously I still haven't gotten a heart. Even more obviously, I am still alive. I am not bedridden, and dying as we speak. I am fighting, winning, living, and working. I DO NOT get depressed. I don't "cry in my beer". (Heck, I don't even drink) I do not envy you. You are healthy, intelligent, beautiful, and compassionate. But how many of you have actually tasted life? or, for that matter, death? I love being alive! It is not fun every day, but, for what it's worth, I'll keep what I already have, thanks.

Let me introduce you to myself. I wake up every day. (so far). For that, I praise GOD! I can stand on my own two feet. For that, I praise God. I have a sharp mind, which is always looking for the funny side of anything and everything. For that, Praise GOD! I have all the riches of the world, and not a penny to spare. For that, I praise God. I have a weak heart, which, gives me a strong faith. For that, Praise God. I have met, if not face to face, then via internet, each one of you. And for that, I praise GOD!

     My blogs take around an hour or so to write. If I have a bad hour, when I am writing, then it will be reflected on the blog. But, please, don't think I am not doing well, because of what I write. I smile. (Even if it is through dentures). When I dream, I always have a healthy heart. So for that brief period of time, I feel healed. That is what makes me keep going. Those dreams feel good. Someday, soon, my body and my mind will be on the same page. On that day, all the angels in heaven will sing in unison. MAN! I got goose bumps. I have already heard it once, and if the choir director takes requests, I want to hear "Til' the Storm passes by" I feel so "at peace" with everything right now. Smile for me. It takes fewer muscles to smile, then it takes to frown

     Go do your thing, rejoice, and know that I am well. I love you all, and knowing you is a gift from God. Have you talked to him lately? He says he misses you.

     Mark

     Hey ya'll, howzit? I am living every day in eager anticipation of the next. I am thankful every time I wake up simply for the fact that I DID wake up. I am alive. I refuse to be sick. (although, my body seldom seems to agree with me) Here are the facts. I am sick, physically. It is hard, to put one foot in front of the other. It is hard, to feel like crap all of the time. It is hard, to not know IF I will ever get a heart. It is hard, to know  that I am dragging you and my family through all of this. It is hard, to make plans for tomorrow. It would be soooooo easy to just quit. I never did like people taking the easy way out...

     I don't want easy. Life is so much more than avoiding the "bumps in the road." Life IS the bumpy road. When it is all over, and you are remembering everything, the bumps are the memories!

     I remember, one time, as a kid, I fell and cut my knee wide open. I needed stitches. Mom had to take me to the hospital. She needed to cover the wound, and could only think of one thing sterile enough to cover it. (it doesn't require a lot of thought, so I won't go down that road) I was in my early teens, and there was no way on God's green earth, that, I was going to the hospital with a Feminine Hygiene Product taped to my knee! Now, 25 years later, that is so funny. Mom and I laugh about it every once in awhile.

   I hope I didn't embarrass her. But, don't you see? Without the story, it is just another scar. To me, that is living. This race all ends the same way for each of us. Some of us will fight to the last breath, some will slip away peacefully in their sleep. Regardless, we all leave something behind. It is not just bravado, when people say "I don't want a bunch of cryin' at my funeral. I don't want that either. I lived! (and, to my knowledge, will continue to do so.) I loved, I laughed (a lot). I hit those bumps at full speed. I hope this hasn't sounded morbid. I am trying to convey the fact, that, I love living. I am not gonna avoid the tough times, because that is  God's plan, not mine. When I go, I get to meet God. How can any part of that not be great?

     It is HOT! Yesterday it was in the mid 90's. The heat index was 108! Yikes! Today is better with a high of only 85 expected. Oh, yeah, we had severe storms last night with a lot of wind damage. It has been a strange year. I am used to hot summers. It is a fact of life. But I am not used to all the severe weather. So far this year, we have had to replace 2 skylights in my camper from hail damage. Our neighbor at the lake had to replace his awning because the high wind destroyed it. My neighbor, here at the house, had a tree split last night. I Know that this is just our turn in the barrel, and all will return to "normal", but it is so strange that there is a drought in the southeastern US, and forest fires in CA.

     If one of you says "yep that is global warming" I am gonna say something not nice to you. How arrogant are we to think that we can destroy God's creation if it is not his will? How arrogant are we to think we can fix it? We all need to do our part, to be sure. Every little bit helps. But how do we explain what happened to the Dinosaurs? The only toxins in the air then, were natural gasses, and TRex farts. Is global warming real? I don't know. Are the ice caps melting? I don't know that either. What I do know is this...

    What are you waiting for? I don't know anything. I can't solve the world's problems. But, I can sure pray for and about them...and you. Have a great day, and, as always, I love you.

                                                                                          Mark

     Hey all. Question...what defines class in your eyes? What extreme would you go to, to hurt someone beyond recovery? When do you hold your tongue, and, is it healthy? Here is the big one...Where is God in all of this? How do we distinguish between God's conviction, and simply suffering the consequences for bad decisions made on your own, without seeking God's will before hand?

     Here are some personal observations... I have curtailed my enthusiasm and unabashed desire to worship God, to avoid offending some. SIN. I have tried to deceive my friends into thinking I am okay. SIN. I have times of self pity, and selfish desires. SIN. I have proclaimed God's glory with my mouth, while allowing Satan to whisper lies into my ear.SIN.

IT ALL STOPS HERE.

     That was so easy to write. Including caps lock, it took a total of 19 keystrokes to type. The transformation that you cannot see, has taken place in my heart. I love God, and I am going to heaven, I have no doubt about that. But I have not allowed God to "take the reigns" of my life, and grow me into what he wants. I have been content to "ride the wave" of asking God into my life. We have been through all of this before, this is nothing new.

     There have been many statements made of my brave fight, and my great faith. DON'T YOU GET IT? If it was just me, I am not sure I would want to be here. Don't let anyone fool you, THIS STINKS! The first thing we all do when we enter the world, is take a huge breath of air. I can't do that. We seek the warmth and comfort our environment offers us. I can't do that either. We laugh, we love, we trust, OH GOD, WHY CAN'T I DO THOSE THINGS? Unconditional love? Is God punishing me? of course not. He is right here, holding me in his arms. Although I have disappointed him before, and will again, I can almost see his eyes looking into mine, and thinking about how much He loves me.

     What could you do to your parent that would make them turn your back on you? No matter what we do in life, Mom, Dad, whomever has loved you, will never stop loving you. God is that, times a million. He might convict us, he might discipline us, through friends and family, but he will never hurt us. HE WILL NEVER HURT US!

     He didn't make me sick. He gave me strength to fight it. He didn't break my heart. He gave me children who still love me, even though, sometimes I suck at fatherhood. When I die, he won't take my life. He will welcome me home. I didn't kill him. He died for me! If what I have written, upsets or bothers you, I am sorry. Not to you, but to God, because he has given me the powerful testimony to convince you of his greatness, and your need for him in your life. If you have gotten this far in reading this, I have planted a seed. If you can pray for me, please do.

     I don't want to sound like I am dying, because, to my knowledge, I am not. Well....you know what I mean. I am not clinically depressed, or deranged. The fact is, I have made a royal mess of my life, my marriage, and my health. I am asking God to bail me out. Whatever is best for him, is what I want for me. I will hold nothing more, because it is not mine. That is the beauty of my God. No matter how badly I screw things up, when I finally called his name... HE RAN TO ME! I weep for joy, right this minute, because his love is undying. It is time we let him in, he has been waiting.

     Hi.

     Fair warning, this is not gonna be good, or long. Just the facts.

     I had VT again last night (Friday, the 4th). I was getting into bed @ 2345, and the heart just "took off". I sat down, and switched ,from battery power on my LVAD, to "house" power, for the night. I no sooner lay my head on the pillow, then here it came, kind of like that freight train in the Coors Light commercial. Out of nowhere. I headed to the ER, for the "usual", and got there around  0020 and was told to find a seat in the waiting room. Are you kidding me? Just how sick do you have to be to get right in? Apparently I did not qualify. Well, the docs went through the normal routine...Scratch their heads, ask questions, you would think someone would write some of this medical information down... Oh yeah, it is written down... Open the chart DUDE! I can be a patient person on occasion, but NOT when I am in VT. I want it fixed, and I want it NOW! Mary was already upset with me for insisting she wake up and take me to the ER, so, she didn't really want to wait either. Well, you know the old saying, "If you want it done right, do it yourself!" So, I did. My heart "Self-converted" @ 0102hrs. I waited another half-hour for the ER doc, who, mind you, had not done a single thing, to this point, literally, to come in and write some mind numbing B.S. to justify the massive ER bill that my insurance company will be receiving forthwith. I think I will send them a bill for screwing me around.

    VT is not painful, I have told you that. But, it is very scary, and I can't breathe. Not to mention that if one remains in "sustained VT" more muscle can be damaged. I don't have any heart muscle to spare at the moment. I don't even have enough for me. If I sound bitter, I am not. I am sick, I am getting sicker, and, I am frustrated. My faith is being tested to it's limit, and dang it, I feel sorry for myself. Don't bother scolding me. I have fought this battle every single day, since October 24, 2005. I need a day off! Please, just one day.

     I am not giving up, I am not depressed. I am optimistic, that we are gonna be well, soon. But, things get hard once in awhile. Ya know?

                                                                                                                                                                                             Mark.