Hello friends, how are you? If you read the title, and managed not to snicker, or giggle, you would see that I am referring to my last blog. I usually will go back after a couple of days have passed, and re-read what I have written. My eyes are still in recovery...I forgot to upsize the font before writing, and after it's published the only way to fix it is to rewrite it. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Like some people who write, I "disassociate" from my work after it is written. I don't dislike it, and I am not ashamed of it, but I write as a method of emotional relief. After it is written, it is a relief for me. I could not write it with the heart you have come to know as "my style" if I had to sit and think it out. So, we live, and we learn.

     That is not the only reason I chose to use the title.

     I went into the memorial day weekend fully expecting a phone call. I just knew it was going to happen. It did not. There are several reasons why I haven't gotten a heart yet. First and foremost, it is not yet God's will. Second, size does matter. I require a larger heart to power this magnificent body. (hey, let me believe that, I just pretended I didn't see you picking your nose!) To place a smaller heart in me, would not do anyone any good. The sacrifice of the donor and his/her family, as well as the time of all the personnel who would have to be involved with the transplant. I am not sure how long I would survive, but I doubt very long, as it would put an immense strain on the heart. Would you use the water pump from a goldfish tank to empty a swimming pool? I just saw the light go on...

     I mentioned God's will as one of the reasons I haven't gotten the heart yet. As humans, we can not really know God's will. It will be revealed to us, over time. Maybe God wants to give my donor every last opportunity to repent and seek salvation. Maybe I am not going to get a heart. Maybe I will get the call in the next 5 minutes. The previous explanations are nothing more than what they appear to be. Emotion driven guesses. I struggle every day, with my faith. No, I am not losing faith, but I pray for healing each day with the belief that it will happen. Who is to say I am not receiving healing each time? Every time I pray myself to sleep, I wake up the next day feeling alive. Is that not healing? God is a great God and the only thing I need to know, is that his will is for my good, and his glory. Yes I am terrified. Death is an ever present companion. If I seem brave, to you, for carrying on this fight, then know, that God is the only reason I don't break down and cry sometimes. Instead he touches me, and I laugh.

     I would like to welcome several new visitors. Be on your best behavior (especially you nurses, I've got my eyes on you). What started as me writing random thoughts, and chronicling my journey with heart disease, has grown exponentially. Praise God! We now (I say "we" because you are all as much a part of this as I am) have several hundred readers. It has even gone international. (no, Minnesota is not yet another country, as much as the rest of us Iowans would like to see that. hee hee hee) We have a beautiful young lady in the UK, who herself is the recipient of a double lung transplant. And although Hawaii is not another country, we even have a friend there. Welcome friends, and feel free to use the comment section to introduce yourselves, or even advertise your own blogs. Both of their stories are quite amazing.

     Have I told you all lately, how much I love you? Don't get all softheaded on me, I was just askin' a question. I am humbled by your prayers and outpouring of well wishes. I am so thankful to be your friend.

    Wish me luck. I am headed back out to the camper this weekend. We discovered last night (Thursday) that the recent hail storm did more damage than previously thought. We have a leak directly over our bed! The only way I know of, to come to that conclusion, is during a rain storm. Nothing like waking up at 0132hrs with the distinct flash and crack of lightning and thunder, and discover your legs are soaked. I guess the good news is that I was not the source of the aforementioned moisture. Remember, small victories...

    Well, lads and ladies, I am spent. It is a good kind of tired, though, and fortunately,I have the leisure time for a nap. I am not rubbing it in, trust me, I would much rather be working. I would ask for some additional prayer, however, as I will be starting a new adventure, with some old friends. I report for "duty" Monday, and we'll see how it goes. I hope to share more information at my next writing. Until then, God bless, and as always, I love you.

      Mark

     Hey friends. How's it? What was your Memorial Day weekend like? Mine was good. I got hail damage on my pickup, and Mary got hail damage on her car. My camper, not to be outdone, received it's own hail damage. Several well aimed hail stones penetrated my bathroom, bedroom, and our daughters bedroom skylight's. I can't wait to see how much replacing those will cost. We had some severe weather here in Iowa, and Minnesota as well.  Six people lost their lives, so my dents and dings don't seem so big now. If God ever lets me choose how I meet my death, I guarantee, it will not be in a tornado. When I heard, I said a silent prayer for all those people touched by the tornado's havoc wreaking march through the heartland. Why be silent?

     When we pray, it is not a public declaration. It is you, and God, talking. Saying grace at a family picnic is not a bad thing, that is not what I am saying at all. The Philistines of the biblical days would cry out, making much commotion, and drawing attention to their "dedication and servitude" to God. Here is something to think about. If I am asking you to borrow five bucks, or thanking you for loaning me some toothpaste, (yes, I am aware that I have no teeth) I am not going to walk into Wal Mart, and scream at the top of my lungs. I would wait until you were available, (although God is always available) and quietly conduct my business with you. That is not because I am ashamed of being your friend, or not grateful. I am not ashamedS  of God either, or telling people, what a big loving God we have watching over us.

     Just as I email you with personal greetings, or send you a link to my writings, prayer is a gift God gave us. It is like the "red phone" or the "Bat phone" or any number of movie cliche's I could throw in, here. Prayer is a "direct line" to our lord and savior. There are times, when a conversation is public, or of a broad topic, and times for conversations to be a little more private. I pray frequently, and God knows my heart.

     I have not written for  awhile, have I? I have been laying low. My 1a status has been renewed. It has to be reviewed and renewed every 14 days. So I am still waiting. I am in good spirits, I am physically able to stand, and move around. I look like I feel fine. No, I did not leave out a comma, I look pretty good. All the bad stuff is on the inside. I was told that there is nothing else that can be done for me, and I would have to learn to live with frequent VTach until I get a heart. I am learning to live with it, but that doesn't change the fact that IT SUCKS! I cannot twist, bend, or raise my arms without the risk of setting it off. Am I complaining? Yeah, kinda. I am allowed to get frustrated once in awhile. I have several friends who have already gotten their new hearts, and, I want to feel like that. I want to so badly I dream about it. I am not depressed, whiney, or any of that, I just want to get on with my life. So why not get on with it? Well, I am pretty limited by my circumstances. I am sort of on a leash. I have to stay ready for a call that might come. I cannot go swimming, or fishing for medical reasons. Taking a shower requires an act of congress. Every time I move, I risk going into VT. But, I am happy to report, I am getting on with life.

     I remain calm, and comfortable in God's love and grace. I have so much to be thankful for. My family is healthy, my friends are healthy, and I am in a wonderful mood. I am so thankful to all of my friends @ Old Dominion Freight Line. I have received many cards and letters from complete strangers. They have been praying with, and for, me, since all of this began. I remain vigilant, and continue to watch the clouds. Did you know that it is only natural, to smile when you look up?

     I am entering my second straight week of camping. Not that what I do qualifies as camping, but I am staying in my camper, in a campground about 12 minutes from my house. I did rough it some this weekend...My satellite went out a couple of times, and I had to watch movies on my DVD player. I even had to go outside a couple of times. (Mary was very much against building the campfire inside the camper) We attended a graduation party for the son of a friend. I have known him since he was very small. It makes me feel old. But, not as old as his dad!!!

     I want to wrap this up with a memorial to a friend. His name is Troy. His name will be on the list for the last time when I send this out. Troy passed away this weekend. He was 21 years old, and fun to talk to. I met Troy up at St. Mary's Hospital when I was up there in January having my LVAD installed. I can't remember a time when I didn't see him smiling. He had the love of two great parents, and a family who was proud of him. He also had the love of a special young lady who had to call me and deliver the sad news. He always talked about Valerie, and even used a picture of the two of them smooching as his screen image on IM. His other endearing quality, is that he was a Dallas Cowboys fan. God has called him home, and he went peacefully, and gracefully in his sleep. God bless you Troy, I will miss you greatly,  and God bless all of you.

     Guys, I would like to change gears. I am going to write this for me. It is my gift to you. A personal glimpse into my journey with heart disease. I am going to describe an emotional journey, that is both heart breaking, and uplifting at the same time.  I will preface this by saying that God is the boss in my life. I want you to meet him through my eyes.

     October 22, 2005. I was out camping with some friends. It was "my time" as Mary and the girls were having a mother/daughter weekend about 45 minutes away. My mind set was "the cat's away, the mice will play." It shames me to write this, but I must. I smoked at the time (Mary thought I had quit) so I seized the opportunity to let my hair down. I also had an alcoholic beverage, since I am laying it all out here. Is that what caused my heart attack? NO!  Just two days later, and a world away, my life was about to change forever.

     All my adult life, I lived like an indestructible man. Nothing was gonna get me. I had several warnings to be sure, but I couldn't die. I remember at one point right before warning number one, I weighed 420 pounds. I was proud of that. Maybe I was seeking attention, or any other number of excuses, It is irrelevant at this point. I found out during a D.O.T. physical that I was type 2 diabetic. Whatever. I stopped drinking regular soda, (Mountain Dew) and switched to diet soda. I lost 60 pounds, and felt good about myself. That in and of itself is sick. I was, and am to this day, covered with discolored "stretch marks" around my abdomen. I once got stuck in a water ride, at a water park in California. That was awkward.  It is okay for a guy as good looking as me to be fat...Right?

     Over the next few years, we started a family, got off the road, and settled into an average lifestyle. I even went to church once in awhile. As a shameless bribe, my mother-in-law, would cook a big Sunday dinner for us if we went to church. I was meeting, and needing God, for the first time in a long time. Seeds were being planted, but a long way away from harvest. I can remember, when Caitlyn and Jordan were born, wanting to cry, and feel those emotions that a new father should feel. Nothing. I was living for me, and that was an interruption. I love my girls intensely, don't get me wrong, but my sense of love, and how to show it are warped, at best. I am not beating myself up, here, I am weaving a tangled web. If you have gotten this far, I am doing my job.

     Fast forwarding to more "present day" events, we go to Easter, 2003. It was not Easter day, but it was close. I asked God into my heart. I had made a mess of things, and I needed something I lost when I was 6 years old. A father. I got  onto my knees in a motel, in East St. Louis, IL and asked him in. When I opened my eyes, something had changed, but what? I was still me, still weak, still fat, still...All I knew was that something had changed.

     We are hurtling back to 2005, but I need to say this. I never saw any mountains moved. I never saw any blind men cured. I wasn't getting what I had signed up for. I also wasn't being taught what I needed. The natural progression, was backsliding. You don't have to feel guilty when you try to live on your own. Accountability? To Whom? What had God ever done for me? Yeah, I got saved, but my language and actions sure didn't show it. It seemed, looking back, that the more I felt the need for God, the more I rejected him. I only wanted him around when it was convenient for me. I stated, that I had gotten saved, but I felt less and less confident in my faith.

          I was zooming headlong into another "warning" that yet again, I would ignore. Looking back, I remember, what became known as my "first heart attack, vividly. (hindsight, as they say, is 20/20) I awoke in the middle of night, and could not breathe. I felt a tightness in my chest, and lightheadedness. So what did I do? I went and sat on the couch, and eventually it subsided, and I forgot about it. If only...spilled milk. I am not sure exactly when it happened, but, it would have changed the outcome greatly if I had gotten checked out. Aside from the obvious, I would not have Met most of you, and more importantly, I wouldn't have "met" God. There is a lesson in this for you. Get it checked out. Don't self diagnose, don't wait for it to go away, don't forget about it. Get help.   

     October 24, 2005 I met God face to face. Some will scoff, disbelieve, say that I was just dying, and grasping for straws, but he became as real to me that day, as every one of you.

     My heart stopped 3 times. I DIED 3 times! This is the moment I found out what being saved really meant. I struggled with salvation, and the idea of God, and what he meant to us for as long as I can remember, but, I never had the big moment that made it all click.

    We're losing him! Mark, stay with us. Come on big guy, we are almost there. Fade to black...Beautiful. I can never adequately surmise what I felt, but I am going to try. I experienced, comfort. I prayed, because I realized I was in trouble. Isn't that  why you get saved? For times like this? I heard the voice of God that moment. It was so surreal, because, while my heart had stopped, I remained conscious. I heard the frantic voices of doctors, p.a's, nurses, and even Mary was there somewhere out of my line of sight. I was in the most beautiful place a person could ever be in. It was so peaceful. So calm. So right. So...God.  It was at that moment that I found the word to describe all of those feelings. Forgiven. All was right, and if I didn't make it, it was all right. Mary and  the girls would be fine. I would be fine. I know it is an oxymoron, but it was intense serenity. Beautiful. This is where I want to be. The me that I saw, was beautiful. I think God had just allowed me to see a glimpse of what he sees. GO BACK! Huh? GO BACK AND TELL THEM I LOVE THEM! Mark, this is gonna hurt like Hell, but I gotta shock you. BAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!  Hey, where did God go?

     He is here. I had been "Dead" again. Or had I? I don't know if I smiled, but I experienced euphoria. Skeptics will say the anesthesia was taking effect. I feel sorry for them. I had just been shown, what is waiting when life as we know it, ends. There was no light. There was no choir of angels. None of my relatives waiting to welcome me home. Only...Him, and me. When it is over for good, for me, I get to experience that again. I can wait, because I want to share that feeling with as many people as I can. When I pray, I have the benefit of having "met" the great "I am". I feel a familiarity that is comforting to me. I feel like I am talking to my father....

                                                                                                                                  More to come...later

                                                                                                                                                Mark

     Hey lads and ladies, long time, no see. How have you all been? I have been home one week today. It has not been fun, I have not felt well, but, it is home. I have several new friends to give a shout-out to. They are all people who have come together on a website with a theme near and dear to my heart. It is called Transplantcafe.com . There are somewhere around 200 members, now, but I really enjoy it. These are people who have been touched by the transplant process. Some donated their loved one's organs. Most are people who have received the life-saving transplants. One person actually donated part of their liver to their stepfather! (I made that "gender non-specific on purpose) There is something special about unloading my frustrations on people who have been in the exact same spot.

    Awwwww gee, don't be that way, I will still be unloading on you guys... So how HAVE you been? I talk to some of you sporadically (the computer accepted that spelling, so, if it is wrong, NOT MY FAULT!), but I miss writing. The truth is, I don't feel like it. No I'm not being standoffish, I simply don't feel well. I am going to get my whining out of the way now, so we can get into more fun topics.

     My pump SUCKS! I am not using foul language, that is simply what it does. The problem is, it seems to be sucking a little too hard. I am back to having "suck-downs". (it does NOT involve beverages) The pump seems to have shrunk down my ventricle. That causes the canula to poke the back of my heart, thus angering it. It then fights back by going into VTach.  We have been down this road before. I will have to return to Mayo, and probably have the pump RPM's lowered slightly. But that is for the docs to decide. I trust their decisions, and God is holding my hand. That beats any insurance policy I have ever heard of.

     Spring has finally arrived, and is here to stay! The verdant lawns, growing up lush and thick. Reveling in the promise of rapid growth, and swaying in the gentle breezes. Robins picking the insects from within their velvety folds............Ahhhhhhh, LAWNMOWER!!!!!!! What? It needed mowed! Young lady, there are people in Arizona who would love to have grass to mow! Go to your room! NOW! I'll bet ya'all never saw that coming did you? I do love spring. The only problem, is, the weeds always seem to outgrow the grass. Where is that fair? Yeah, I could pull the weeds. I'll put that on my "to do" list! It will be somewhere behind fishing, camping, etc. If God had wanted us pulling weeds, he would have created us with special claws. That silly little garden claw does not count...

     How have you been spiritually? I have heard from several of you this week, sending me words of encouragement. This verse was in my E-devotion this morning. It speaks for itself.

James 5:16
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

 I got a lot out of that simple verse. It seems, that God knows what we need to hear, and puts it into our path, for the day. If I wake up, and see a bad day coming on, and I don't want to do my devotions, I think, "God might want to tell me something." That is my motivation to face the day, and this heart disease. Oops, I have spilled the beans now. Yes folks, he is my savior, my rock, and my healer. He wants to be the same for you. Ya got a minute? He'll give you a lifetime. He has never left me alone.

     Guys, and gals, I have nothing but spare time. If any of you needs special prayer, I would be honored to pray for or with you. You may roll your eyes, because I have on the other side of salvation, but I assure you, you can never experience more intense love than God. That is not an opinion.

     I will be dedicating myself to some in depth Bible study, going forward. I have only scratched the surface, and it is time to go deeper. Pray God speaks to me in new and powerful ways. Don't forget, if there as any need, that I can meet, please don't hesitate to ask. Knowing you here on earth is awesome. Knowing you in Heaven is forever.

     As always, I love you all. God bless.

                                        Mark

What do you say at the end of a life?

He was a good man, or she, a good wife.

"Dearly departed, we gather to grieve,

tis such a shame that he had to leave,"

She was such a beauty,

a pert,  little lass.

It is such a shame,

that she had to pass.

We'll always remember, the spouse,  and the kids,

the fun times we had, and things that we did.

Camping the mountains, throwing the ball,

Mowing in summer, raking in Fall.

Mom's homemade cakes, cookies, and sweets,

We'd all gather 'round, eager to eat.

"Help me clean up, The guests will arrive,

behave yourself if you want to survive."

The ones we have lost will surely be missed,

The monsters they've slain, the owie's they've kissed.

If memories of loved ones, you hold them so dear,

Shouldn't you tell them while they're still here?

                                  Mark McGrew May 13, 2008

     Good morning, and happy Mother's Day. It is a perfect day here in Iowa...we are expecting a high temperature of 55 degrees, with winds gusting up to 40mph. (yes I am being facetious) Did you call your mom? Does she know that you appreciate her hard work, and all those years spent worrying? If you don't have the best relationship with her, isn't there something you can appreciate about her? Besides, guys, if you drop the ball on this one, your father's day present is gonna stink! I think I should buy Mary some fishing gear I, I mean, She has been wanting.

     It is Sunday, and I am at home, still. We are being "treated" to a Violin concert by Jordan. This is where we earn our keep as parents. We politely smile and congratulate their musical talent, in spite of our shattered ear drums. The blood running out of our ears is just a side effect, from the music produced by a beaming 9 year old. I am, of course, joking.  I missed the sounds of everyday life last week. The constant pulse monitors, and beeping machines from various IV drips tends to "turn off" your hearing. You become numb to sound, and it takes a couple of days to re-adjust. It is great to be home. No matter how short the stay is.

     I feel like I am out on a weekend pass. Last night, I heard and felt the first effects of a "suck down". That, is when the pump draws down the ventricle and the canula...I have explained all this before. The bottom line, is that, all is not well. I am sick of being sick. It is not so much physical, I can handle that. It is the strain it is putting on my family. When, "are you going to have to go back to the hospital?" becomes a part of a normal conversation between a father and a daughter, you know it is causing stress. I think they are campaigning for cars when they are older. They are so loving and understanding. I lost my father, when I was 6. I remember how surreal it was. That is my inspiration to fight on. They deserve to reap the benefits of a new heart as much as I do.

     I am not sure where to go from there, but I will change the subject. Sooooooooooooo, have any of you been fishing yet? I know RW has, I have seen pictures. (If that is all the bigger Largemouth Bass get, in Georgia, I will have to bring some with me.) (JUST KIDDING!) I have not been fishing yet this year. Well, let me take that back. The girls have a "fishing" program on their video game system, and I have played that once. I think my good friend, JDP has been been fishing, but I have seen him fish. They are all safe.

     Someone tell me, how was church? I miss it so much. I had intended to go to church, today, but the way I feel, I don't think I would make it through the service. So where do we experience God when we can't go to church? He is where he has always been. In my heart. The problem is, that worship is contagious. When you are part of a congregation, and God is moving en masse through the crowd, everyone there gets blessed. I miss that the most. I can read the bible, and pray all day, but God says,that "where two or more are gathered, there I will be." Church isn't just about our belief in God, It is about sharing our belief as a family. When someone around me raises his or her arms in Supplication to the lord, I feel stronger, and closer to God. Satan doesn't attack a crowd, he slinks around the edges, picking off the weaker ones, one by one. Not being a part of the congregation, I am weakened. Worse yet, where I go (or in this case, where I don't go), so goes my family. That is the hardest part. Please pray for them, and me.

     I will keep you posted, as always on day to day life. Until the next time, I love you all, and Your prayers are a blessing to the Iowa branch of The McGrew family. God bless, and keep you.

                                                                   Mark.

     Good morning friends. I sincerely hope that you are all well, and that someone, somewhere, is praying for you. I am basking in the awesome afterglow of yesterday's visit with the Lord. I know, that what I wrote has had an effect on some of you, and that is good. The important thing to remember, though, is that I am still me. I want you to experience a "light moment" when you read my writing. (without the aid of beans and diet coke.)  I write about everyday life. As you know, life is not always funny....

     Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it is confusing. Sometimes it is absolutely frustrating and you question your surroundings. Whew! I had to re-read that, there for a minute I thought I was writing what it is like for Mary, being married to me. It is okay. It is like breaking wind in church, you want to laugh, but is it wrong? I stink not! Laughter is a gift from God, as is, a sense of humor. Think about it, if God did not have a sense of humor, then why is Tony Stewart on TV every Sunday? That made you think, didn't it? I am just kidding, sometimes they race on Saturday nights....

     Medically, I am healthy as a horse.... OKAY OKAY, I know. I am trying mind over matter. I think I am feeling somewhat better then I felt when I got here. I haven't had VT since Friday, and I am not as tired as I have been lately. The only real complaint, is that I miss my family. It 4 days to get there, but I do miss them. (Joking!!!) (I mean about the 4 days) How much hot water do you think I would have been in with Caitlyn, and Jordan, if I hadn't cleared that up.

    I do want to take a moment to have you stop reading, and take the time to pray for Mary's great aunt. She passed away Friday. She was a sweet lady whom I had the pleasure of meeting two or three times. God bless you on your way home Erma.

     You might want to check my blog more often. I am in the hospital with a laptop, and a lot of free time. Mayo has blocked all of the morally questionable sites (which I wouldn't visit anyway) so writing is my refuge. I have some stuff bouncing around my head, so, posting twice a day is not unrealistic. If what I write is not up to par in your eyes, remember I am frequently medicated, so I have a built-in excuse.

    Lastly, please, do me a favor. Smile at somebody. If you don't have the words to speak to them, or the ability to touch them, a smile can be magical. Don't just bare your teeth, let the smile radiate up to your eyes. Who know, maybe it will make your day too.

As always, I love you all, and pray for you.

                                                        Mark

   Friends, PRAISE GOD, for my eyes have been opened. I have written in the past, to entertain, encourage, and seek your praise.  I received an email from a prayer friend, that completely changed the way I think. I have been humbled by her words, because, God gave them to her. I love God, that is not in question. But I have been seeking your approval. I even changed the way I write some things, because I wanted to please MAN!. In essence, I was blinded. My soul is so free right now. I have sold out. My life is no longer my own, but I beg God to accept it, and use me, alive or dead. Alive would be great, but I truly, no longer care. I have spoken before of the freedom and peace, he gives me. I was weak and selfish. It is not about me. It never was. I MADE it about me while pretending. The following is my prayer...

     Did you hear it? You didn't need to hear it, God heard it. He has healed my spiritual heart, and the future no longer matters. Whatever happens from here on out, My life will praise God. Folks, join me in weeping, as I beg God's forgiveness. The sad thing is that God has already forgiven me. That is what he did that day at Golgotha.  Pray that he will allow me to forgive myself. There are several pastors in readership here, and at some point in their lives, they have had a moment like this. I am not comparing myself to these men of God, but I promise you, they have cold chills right now. This is why they toil, and preach. To see moments like this. I don't want to ever get stale again, unless it can end, or rather begin, like this. Please share your silent prayer with our father, right now.

    I think this is the place where I will leave you to ponder.

   As always and like never before, I love  you all.

                                                                   Mark

    Okay kids that was the hint.(the title)  Where in the world is Mark McGrew?

    Hi all, and how the heck are you? I am back at Club Med for an oil change, and a new oil filter. The problem is, my mechanic found a problem that needs urgent attention. No, my air filter is fine, (that is actually funny) it is my heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, here we go again... Well, yeah.

     Most of you keep up with my chronicled exploits, as I patiently wait for a new heart. Some of you read just because there are pictures of my handsome mug on the main page. You are shameless!  Well, I'm not going to lie to you...I am handsome! Just kidding. As the rest of you now know, I am back in the hospital. I came in last night, and received a welcome reserved only for dignitaries. No expense was spared, as I was offered the finest needles, and the most luxurious bedpans, money (my insurance money) could buy. I have yet to go to a hospital that has heard of generic medicines. Nothing but the best for me.

     Actually, I was welcome. It was kind of bittersweet. On one hand, it was great to see and visit some of the people who have become my friends. On the other hand, they are nurses, and this is the hospital. Can't we just have a picnic somewhere? I'll bring the needles and 'tater salad. Anyway, my visit to the "step-down unit" was to be cut short.

    I got out of my bed to go to the restroom, and OH BOY! (Not the smell), VTach. Again. I returned to my bed and was given a helping hand to sit down. I then looked at the monitor, only to confirm what I already knew. This, in and of itself, is no reason to panic. In fact just the opposite. Pay Attention, this could save you life someday...

     There are several ways to help calm a rapid heartbeat. First, call 911. Even if one of the following methods is effective, something is causing your heart to get angry. Let a doctor figure it out.  1) cough. draw a deep breath, and cough. As you take in the big breath of air, your lungs expand, massaging the heart. When you let out the cough, the diaphragmatic contraction can give the heart a quick little squeeze.2) Bear down. pretend you are trying to break wind. (no giggles here. ok, 1 each) this is the same concept as coughing, only it gives the heart a longer squeeze. 3) Try different positions with your body. 4) Take a baby aspirin or two. They have been berating us for years, on tv,  that aspirin could save our lives. If you don't have any, try to find someone who does. If you don't want to take me seriously, I'll save a bed for you. I was a tough guy and thought I was bulletproof. I had a smaller heart attack weeks before I had the "big one". If I had gone to the hospital... Spilled milk.

      I have had an awakening in God. I had gotten stale, as you know from my last installment, and needed my cup filled back up. Our great and faithful God, once again, heard my, and your, prayers, and came to my aid. It was not what we all would typically call a blessing. I got VT. What a gift!!! I would go through it every day if that is what It took to wake me up. We gathered as a family, last night, and prayed. Not a loud, boisterous, roof raising call to God. Just 1 small family, holding hands, and quietly asking for God's will to be done. I get cold chills, just thinking about the feeling of calm, and peace that descended on me like a gentle rain. As the anesthesia began to have it's effect,  I knew that I was leaving my family in good hands. I did not worry about "what if I don't wake up" or any other of a number of thoughts, that Satan puts in our heads, in an attempt to shake your faith. Folks, I hope and pray, that at some point in your lives, you feel that peace. AMEN.

      As always, I love you all. Please share.

                                                       Mark

     Hello friends, how are you? I am doing okay. Not the best, but I have been worse. My heart is not playing nicely, but he can't go anywhere without me. I think that is what is called a symbiotic relationship. I can't live without it, and it can't live without me.

     Spiritually, I need prayer. I have had a pretty tough time recently, and my relationship with God has suffered greatly. I get frustrated, because I see some of the worst people out there getting new hearts, or any other number of things that I would like to have. They don't ask God, and they don't thank God. Do you want to know what keeps me going?  Knowing that our lives here on earth are short-term. Some times, we get wrapped up in the here and now, and we don't think about eternity. Please don't think I am bitter, because I am not wealthy, I'm not. It actually is just the opposite. I feel bad for the wealthy who have no God other than the faces of the people printed on their money. I would rather live in squalor and go to heaven, then live wealthy and ...

     On the other hand, God doesn't forbid us wealth. He wants us to have things. He wants us to be happy. Do you think the guy with a boat, or the camper, or the gas guzzling SUV is not a Christian believer?  What gets us in trouble is when that is what we live for. I have stated on many occasions, that I love camping. I have a camper, and a gas guzzling truck. Both of which I had before my heart attack and medical problems. I thank God for him allowing me to keep those things and the friends I have made while camping. In return for his generosity I tell people about the love that God has for us. That really is what it all boils down to, isn't it? That, friends, is the great commission. "Go forth and make believers of all men in all nations." That doesn't mean that every person I talk to will fall to their knees and beg God to come into their hearts. In fact I don't think I have seen it happen yet. I am not the harvester of grains. I am the planter of seeds. What that means is that my reward is knowing that I am able to serve God in spite of my limitations. In the long run...I have no limitations. Whether or not I get a heart is irrelevant.

     DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATH.

     I just wanted to get that off my chest. I needed to hear that. I think we all did. Having written that, I feel God drawing closer to me. I have a peace now. Maybe I am the only person who needed to hear that. Maybe not.

     On the weather front. (yeah,  I know, but it is hard to transition after what I just wrote.) Winter has lost some or even most of its  grip. We are anticipating high temperatures...Oh hang on. This just in...IT is still cold!!! It is May, 2, and it is still cold! We are expecting a high temperature....Oh snap! our high temperature came just after midnight last night. 63 degrees! It is now 57 degrees and still...dropping. Oh well, Last month we were whining about the 40's and at least we stay in the 60's nowadays. We are never satisfied.

     I will keep you updated, on all the latest medical drama. There is plenty to report, and if not, I'll make something up.

    As always, I love you all.

                                           Mark