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February 27 weighting it out. Howdy fellers, how are you? I am well, relatively speaking, or course. I figured I haven't written in a few days, and some of you might be thinking that I had missed the bus. I have been home since saturday, and the new meds seem to be effective. My heart starts to go into VT, but within seconds it converts right back out of it. I would rather not have the vt at all, but this is not painful and the preventative medicine seems to be to drink plenty of fluids. I am continuing to lose weight as i wait, hence the intentional spelling error in the title of this blog. I am not on any special diet, I just don't have that much room to put food in my stomach. We should all be so lucky. This is not the cheapest diet. The pump has been instrumental in my weight loss, but I could buy and pay for a new truck, camper, and fishing boat with that kind of money. Enough about me, There is news.
I am asking you all to pray. A young lady in Georgia (26 years) and the mother of a 5 year-old has been very sick and confined in the ICU in the hospital for quite some time. Less than a week ago, she received her new heart, and is doing well. She might possibly get out of ICU and out to the step-down floor. She is progressing wonderfully, but has a ways to go and she really needs our prayers. She has a wonderful support group down there, and two of the best cheerleaders a person could hope for. Lets also take to time to pray for the family who had to let go of a loved one to provide the gift of life for many people. That leads into my next topic...gifts.
Many of you tell me that I have a gift in my writing. I am told that my survival and strong will are an inspiration. I am human, and of course I love to hear all the praise coming my way. I think that child who has cancer and still has a huge happy smile is the inspiration. The mom who has lost a breast, all her hair and is losing her battle, about to leave behind a grieving husband and several young children, she is an inspiration. How about the wife who now has to pay all of the bills, figure out how to pay those bills, get the kids to their ballgames, and figure out what is for dinner? We all have gifts, and they come straight from God. Some of these gifts are born out of necessity, but we do what we have to do. Where we excel at these tasks is how much we let God help us. We get so wrapped up in surviving, helping, doing, and being, that we forget that God is standing right there just waiting to help. All we have to do is ask. I asked him to use me and my situation to help expose others to his love and grace. You be the judge.
I have touched on this before, recently, but God uses us all diffrently to achieve a bigger goal. He uses the hands of my cardiac surgeon to preform the medical miracles in me. He uses the compassion of the nursing staff, to heal and become stronger. He uses my friends, family, and fellow Christians to pray without ceasing and petition his will on my behalf. Is he doing all of this just to keep me alive? Of course not. He is creating in all who are involved a wonderful testimony to carry forward to maybe soften the hearts of the unbelievers we love and care about. Also the stranger we meet on the street who needs to hear about the lord and the wonderful gift he sacrificed himself to give us? I accepted that gift into my heart, and that would have been quite enough, but he just keeps on giving. Don't shake your heads, my situation is a gift. I am growing daily. I am entertaining you. I wake up alive everday so far. I am able to walk around, think, laugh, cry, and feel. Most of all, I am learning more and more how to truly love. That is a gift from God.
I have told many of you that this is how I think and feel. I promise God every time I pray that I will not walk away from the duty he has bestowed upon me even if I receive a new heart and get healthy again. I disappointed him for 25 or more years, and I won't anymore. I think that is why I love writing these blogs. They help me feel closer to God. What makes you feel closer? Stop reading and go do it! As always, I love you all. Mark
 February 22 thick or thin? Hello friends, how goes it? I am doing okay, I am currently incarcerated in the St. Mary's Hospital (mayo) in Rochester. If I had a dollar for everytime I said that... Most of you know I keep having episodes or "runs" (not to be confused with the c-diff) of Ventricular Tachycardia. I had another one last Sunday, and had to go to the hospital in Des Moines for cardioversion. (shocked) I stayed in through Monday and into Monday evening. During that time I enjoyed a 4.5 hour noesbleed followed by a stimulating session with the E N T (ear, nose, and throat) guy who seems to think that there is nothing that will not fit in a nostril. We got the bleeding stopped finally, and things calmed down a bit. I was discharged to home that evening, and went home to rest. Tuesday I was feeling pretty blah, like you normally do the day after you leave the hospital, and sat around most of the day. Around mid-afternoon, I got up and walked to my kitchen about 20 feet away. My heart began to pound and I started to feel what one of my docs up here and I call "goofy" ( I think that is a proper medical term. I will hold your ice cream while you look it up.) I called that doc and told her the problem, and she decided to have me come back up here to Mayo to get this thing figured out.
Our family friend Dawn was nice enough to loan us her husband Doug to help us drive up here, and it was a good thing. We came through Ice, Snow, wind, and any other thing you can enjoy with an Iowa winter. We made it up here in under 4 hours but decided not to kiss the ground for fear of freezing in that position. It is great for prayer, but hard on the knees. I was also in fear that the Mayo billing people might see me like that and assume I had come to make another payment. Sorry. I was direct admitted into the ICU and they began to throw drugs and needles at me. Somewhere during all of this hospital stuff, My blood became very thin, and last night, I was given a plasma transfusion. It was apparently effective because my INR (Protyme) level dropped back into the proper range. SO here we sit. Trying to figure out how best to treat the V-Tac so I can stay home for more than a week or two at a time. I hope it works. Contrary to what you might beleive, I really would rather be home.
I have had many oppurtunities to witness God's love here in the hospital. I think maybe God is teaching me how to be bolder in my faith and telling people about it. I have this forum of course, but making eye contact really helps you communicate the depth of emotion involved. It also takes a little more out of you because you don't know how receptive the person you are witnessing to is going to be. This is where faith and trusting the lord come into play. We don't have to harvest the crops, only plant the seed. I am starting slow and setting goals for myself. I am not handing out tracts on the street corner yet, but i am witnessing as much as I am able. I just don't want to miss the people God sends my way who need to hear about his love. I wasn't missed, were you?
As far as waiting on a heart goes, i try not to think about it. Yes my head snaps around every time my phone rings, but that is part of the waiting game. When and if the time is right, God will allow the events that need to happen take place and we will rejoice in his glory. I do want to ask of you, however, that if it is not God's will for me to get a heart, that you will rejoice just as much. I certainly will be. I will be in a place that is so perfect that the human mind cannot comprehend it. I have lived this stage of my life trying to grow and serve God, and I know the reassuring love that is salvation. That is not a morbid thought, It is actually quite exciting. As for me, I plan to stay here on earth for a long time, and pester all of you, but I don't make that call. I am gonna wrap this up, as it is time for the doctors to come around. I would really like some suggestions and input on what you like and or dislike about this blog. I can only think of one person who offers comments and they are very much appreciated. Let me know what you would like to see, and I will take it out or put it in there. Before you ask what I write about God and my faith is not negotiable...it stays. As always, I love all of you guys, and please let me know what you think. God Bless. Mark February 16 waiting.... Hey all you wonderful friends, how are you? I am doing very well, and bursting with energy. Okay not so much on the energy, but I am feeling pretty well. I am not "confined to the house" as in the past. The problem now is that it is too cold to get out and do much. We are under yet another winter storm warning and expecting freezing rain and up to 7 inches of snow on top of that. If nothing else it is nice to look at...in December. I mean c'mon the groundhog said winter was over and we all know that animals lack the capacity to lie. Ironically enough that bad weather increases my chances of getting a heart. That is up to God and only God, and his will is my wish.
I think it is amazing how God uses imperfect people to accomplish great works. I mean, look at me...I have inspired at least 2 people. All joking aside, we all play a role in accomplishing his will. By praying, you are inspiring me to fight on. By me praying, I hope I am encouraging all of you to trust in his will and let him work in you lives. My brother and also my mentor, my wife, SG, my closest friends, and my children all came together to make me feel more loved than I can ever remember. The beauty of that is the fact that they all know God and are in various stages of their walk with him. That just drives my point home. Not one of these people is perfect, (if that comes as news to any one of you, my apologies) but they all played a role in making me forget my whole health situation for over 3 hours. That was God granting one of my prayers and using some of the people I love the most to accomplish it. For that I praise him and my faith just grew stronger. We have come full circle.
I want to talk more about the gift I received. I went out with my family for a Valentines Day dinner (yeah I know it was a day late, sue me) I was unabashedly ambushed! We walked into the restaurant and there sat a couple of our friends whom we camp with often. Being quick witted as I am, okay someone slipped a little bit so i knew something was up, I figured at the very least it would be a fun filled dinner with some of my oldest friends since moving to Iowa. My mother-in-law was also there, but I decided right off that I would not allow that to ruin my evening. (that is a joke, I love my mother in law dearly, she is one of those rare people that you hold onto when you meet them,) Of course my spidey sense was tingling at this time and I knew something was afoot. Then I saw the Wicker's and that did it. I knew then and there that I had been had! Shortly thereafter, the group was completed when the final couple arrived with their angelic (when he is asleep, just kidding) son. I still had no clue that this was anything other than a nice relaxing Friday evening meal with good friends. Boy was I in for it.
After gumming my way through half of a hamburger and some fries, I settled in for an evening of fun conversation covering a wide range of topics from racing to JP's gasseous emissions. (in all fairness to JP, I am the one who punctuated the gas conversation). Again, I was wrong. I looked up to find my children carrying a box that they could almost have fit in, and I scrambled mentally to remember whose birthday I had forgotten. My wife usually handles that sort of thing, so I relaxed to see who the recipient was...it was ME! Talk about that "deer in the headlights" look. Mustering all of the grace I could come up with, I proceeded to open the package, which I noticed had come from the afore mentioned mentor via UPS. I pulled out the greatest gift I have ever gotten.
Inside that box was a framed picture of me, taken shortly after my surgery while I was still in the ICU. The picture had been signed by a large selection of professional athletes who had attended a benefit fundraiser for the Georgia Transplant Foundation. Included was the signatures of Tom Glavine, and John Smoltz, both, pitchers for the Atlanta Braves. Also many other signatures I recognized from current to retired NFL and MLB athletes. It is about here that I had to start acting like a tough guy and not let all in attendance see me cry. The signatures were great, but the fact that My friends and family had conspired to keep this a total secret from me and all had played a role in making this happen, was the true gift. I want to take this time to thank all involved for creating a memory that I will cherish for the rest of my life. That is what I mean about God using people for the greater good. He used no less than 20 people to uplift one. In doing that, he has used me to uplift you with a good hearted story of friendship and love for our fellow man. Still think God doesn't have time for the small stuff?
I am going to wrap this up with one final statement. I love every single one of you. God Bless, and I will have more soon. Mark February 14 here we go. Hello all, how are you today? I am bursting with good cheer (or maybe it is gas) and I am having a tough time sitting still. I have been praying since yesterday afternoon, and I am really having a hard time making myself beleive what I was told yesterday. We all set goals for ourselves, whether it is dieting, or getting a new home. We look toward those goals and, lets face it, sometimes we just don't reach them, or worse yet, we simply lower our standards. Some of our goals are unrealistic and we literally set ourselves up to fail. Some of us set simple goals, easily within reach, so that we can feel good about ourselves. Many people have goals set for them by others to challenge them, making success that much sweeter. No matter what goal we are working toward, what do we do when we reach them? My goal was to survive long enough to get a heart transplant.....drumroll please....
Yesterday early in the afternoon, I was sitting in my room in the St. Mary's Hospital cardiac step-down unit and I had an interesting visit. I saw the VAD coordinator enter my room ( I would love to tell you about her, but I have not asked her permission to do so.) I was informed that I have been elevated to 1A status on the transplant list. Folks it is "go time". I literally could get a call any day informing me that a new heart has come available for me. I have a couple of friends and mentors in Georgia. One of them told me about what it is like to hear those magical words when being informed that it is time for the new heart. I have had this for a goal since I found out that I needed a new ticker. So now here I am and I think the best way to describe how I feel is shocked numb. I have turned to inner reflection to try to put my emotions together and I would like to share them with you.
I think my most outstanding emotion is PRAISE GOD! That is always a good place to start and should be as routine as blinking your eyes or breathing. Almost as fast, though, is the sorrow I feel for the person who is going to become my donor and the family of that person. I have been praying for that person and the family since I found out and will continue to do so. Almost as fast, I realize that it is all part of God's plan. I feel a releif and comfort with this emotion, as I let go and let God. It is not a guarantee that I will get a heart, and no guarantee that I will not be the one that will pass. The most important thing I want to pass on is that I will accept God's will with praise on my lips and a joy in my heart. Would I be dissapointed? Yes, of course I would. I want this heart desparately, because I see the potential testimony that will come about as a result of God's plan. If this seems selfish, maybe it is a little, but I am human and therefore weak in my glorious God's eyes. But more importantly, I am forgiven for my shortcomings and saved by God's grace. I really could not imagine going through this without the faith that has been inspired in me. I cringe when I hear some of the things people say, but I do not judge. My job is to pray for that person, not to convict, but for the strength to love them and witness God's love to them.
I am just so excited to be alive right now. I have limitations, and I am sick, but I am very much alive. I hope that when we get to the other side of the transplant that my faith will be doubled. For the time being, however, we are still on this side, and have to live with what we have. I have no regrets about the life I've lived. Have I been perfect? NO! Will I ever sin again? YES! (I do not want to, or plan to, but God planned my life at the beginning of time, and it is all part of his plan.) The point is that there is no reason to live in the past and I will not. My personal decisions have destroyed a heart, but what I have gained in God has more than compensated for that. I would not change a thing that has happened since October 24, 2005. It has made me who I am and brought me to my knees in the realization that all things are possible in God who loves me. I will leave you with that. I still have a lot of emotions to sort through, and I will have lots to write in the near future. In the meantime, lets meet at the altar, and pray for me and the person who will pay the ultimate price for living. God Bless you and I will see you soon.
Mark February 06 Got snow? Hello all, how are you today? It is wednesday the 6th of February. I am sitting here, trying to blend into the furniture as Both Mary and the girls are home from work and school today. We had the most intense winter storm of the season last night, and we are now sitting under 8" to 10" of beautiful white snow. It is nice to hear their voices for a change. I have gotten so used to the voices in my own head, that I almost didn't recognize my daughters. Just kidding. I do have plenty of "alone time" during the week. The kids go off to school, and Mary goes off to work. It is too cold to get outside and walk around, and I am still a little weaker than I plan to be. I am unable to drive yet, so going to the "Y" means I have to ask Mary's mom to take me, and I don't want to make her get out and around more than necessary as she has problems with her back. So to compensate, I walk laps around the inside of the house. Don't get too excited it is a small house, so I have to do this many times. I am sure to some people it is rather funny, as my dog Blake follows me every step of the way. It is not so bad except for the turn around at the end of the hallway. I guess that is why God gave us domoinion over the aminals, because when we reach this impasse at the end of the hallway, I remember what to do, he, however, has already forgotten that he has to sidestep into the girl's room to allow me to turn and pass. When I try to explain yet again what needs to happen for us to pass, he looks at me as if to say: "dude, I am supposed to be the idiot, but you are talking to me. What does that make you?" I hate it when he is right and I can almost understand cat people...almost.
I have had an up and down week. I have spent the first half of the week feeling ill. I am not going to provide detailed descriptions or pictures, just use your imaginations. I have lost 4 pounds in 2 days and I have to constantly force myself to drink fluids so as not to dehydrate. Other than that, I feel great. LOL. The pain is mostly gone, and I can even sneeze without crying for the most part. Sometimes I cry anyway, because my youngest daughter feels sorry for me and brings me stuff. Is that wrong? My family has adjusted well to the situation and they all chip in to streamline my day. Mary helps me shower (13 years ago, that would be awesome) and changes my sterile dressing around my driveline. ( no that is not a new name for it, there is actually an electric cord protruding from my right abdomen.) Caitlyn helps me put socks on and get dressed, as well as battery changes, and then there is Jordan. She helps switch my pump over from battery power to house power. She also watches her mother change my dressing sometimes with a surgiccal mask on her face and a look of amazement in her eyes. I just pretty much walk my laps with the dog. Hey someone has to play the sick guy and I have discovered that I am pretty good at it. Through all of this, we have become a closer unit as a family, and I think that is a good thing. The most important thing I have noticed is that my family prays more, and that cannot ever be a bad thing.
It makes me proud that my girls know to give their worries to God. I would love to take credit for that, but they have actually taught me. They are a large part of the puzzle that came together to lead me to ask for my salvation. It is ironic that we are to raise our children to love and revere the lord, and sometimes things work out in the other direction. They have taught me to be a christian father and a family spiritual leader. Not all this has come easy. My health situation, has put an extreme strain on my family and my friends. The good news is that my faith has grown immensely. I hope Mary and the girls have experienced the same growth, as that is one of my most frequent prayers. I am not so much worried about my own health, and I am secure in my spiritual destination, but I want to see all of my family come to God of their own accord. That is what I pray for as I drift off to sleep at night. Patience is called for in this pursuit, and I will be as patient as God will allow. My immediate goals are to work on my prayer life, as well as reading my bible more often. It is all too easy to pray to thank God or to ask him for healing, but I want to talk to him just to "check in" or to say "hi". We are to have a relationship with him and he wants to be our friend as well as our father.
I mentioned that I have to travel to Rochester Friday for checkups. wish me luck. I don't expect anything out of the ordinary, and if there is we will deal with it. Until I have the chance to write again, set some spiritual goals for yourself. I am always here to talk if you feel the need, and I will gladly pray for or with you. I will ask God for travel mercies, and that he look into any requests you might have. As always I love you guys, and keep hanging in there. May God's peace be with you throughout your day. Mark February 01 bump in the road. Howdy folks, how are you? It is good to be back home and writing again. I suppose the best place to begin is at the beginning. Saturday I had a large nosebleed. It would normally not be a problem, but I just had open heart surgery, and I lost a lot of blood. Due to the fact that I am awaiting a heart transplant, it creates a problem if they have to give me too much blood. My body could create antibodies which would very much complicate the matching process for getting a new heart. You can see why getting that stopped would be a priority. The ER docs decided to chemically cauterize my nose and pack it with gauze. That was fun and I recommend it for anybody who finds themselves bored on a saturday. NOT! Anyway, all was well and I was sent home with a sore nose and 4 hours of the day gone.
Sunday came and along with it the anticipation of a beautiful weather day and my first oppurtunity to atttend a church service. I was quite excited and anxious to put saturday behind us. I attended the church service and while I didn't feel great, I felt good to be in God's house. I believe it is important to get back into church, because so many are praying for me, and I want them to see that God is hearing their prayers and working in my life. I try to make everything I do glorify God. After the service, we went to Long John Silvers for a quick bite and then on to Menard's for some dryer parts. Upon returning home, I was getting a little tired, so I took my shirt off and sat down for a break. I immediately noticed that my heart was pounding inside my chest. I called Mary in and told her what was going on. We have been down this road before, and knew to remain calm and make some calls. We looked at the numbers on my heart pump control and saw that some important numbers had dropped signifigantly. We called my VAD coordinator and she advised us to go to the ER and now. We went down there and I was found to be in ventricular tachycardia and they began treatment immediately. I did not respond to the medicines they gave me, and the only alternative was to shock me. I was given a liberal dose of happy juice and drifted off into lala land. The shock was sucessful and I awoke 5 minutes later in a normal sinus rhythm. The decision was made to transport me by ambulance to St. Mary's Hospital in Rochester, MN. (mayo) for observation. I remained in there from sunday night through wednesday morning. They discharged me at that point and here I sit.
Other than that it was a pretty much boring weekend. I actually was whining to my oldest brother that it was probably going to be the most boring weekend of the year for sports. There is nothing worth watching on tv for sports unless you like re-runs of some guy flattening his manhood on a log on summer x-games. We all find ways to fill our downtime, I think from now on I will find a good book to read and hide under a blanket. I have so very much to be thankful for though. I sat in the hospital and thought about where I am in life both physiclly and on my spiritual journey. We went straight from home to the ER to the ambulance to the ICU and there was no time to pack my laptop or phone chargers or underwear for that matter. It turned into a blessing because without all those distractions, I prayed alot.
I prayed about all of you, all of my prayer warrior friends at Old Dominion Freight Line, all of my church friends who pray for me, my family who constantly have to be uprooted yet continue to love and pray for me, and those who do not know the pleasure of a personal relationship with God. If you fall into that last category, please don't think I am looking down on you. I spent most of my life walking without God and I thought I did pretty good for myself. During my stay in the hospital, I just prayed and talked with God. I grew so much closer with him. I am so very thankful for what I am going through. I was allowed to endure this because God made me strong enough to get through it. He surrounded me with good friends, a strong wife, and two great daughters to keep it real. I just can't say how blessed I really am because there seems to be so much more in store for me. Is this easy? NO! Is this fun? NO! I don't want people to think God waves his hand and makes it all an easy street paved with gold. What he does is let us know that he is with us every step of the way and does not leave our side...ever. I can't think of anything I have done in my life that wasn't made easier when I had someone with me.
I am going to wrap this up soon, but I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to all of you who read this. This writing is theraputic for me, because I feel like I am able to write my innermost thoughts and even if I delete them before I publish, I still have to oppurtunity to acknowledge my thoughts. I realize not all of you share my particular views on God, but you read what I write and do not complain. I love you all for your uniqueness, your ability to see me as a viable person, your tolerance of my opinions, and your prayers. I hope I can bring a small blessing into your day because I pray over the blog before I publish it. I want to leave you with this... I may not be living well right now, but, well, I am living... I wake each day and see my family, see the changes in the man in the mirror, and pray gratitude for another day here on earth. God bless you all, and I love you. Mark |
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