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December 29 more soup less pain Hello friends, how are all of you? It has been a short while, and I thought maybe I should say howdy. The week has dragged by, as I assume we all know that the week between Christmas and New Year's is probably the longest week of the year. I have been getting over getting all of my teeth pulled, or trying at least. I still have plenty of discomfort, although I took myself off of the percocet over 3 days ago. My mouth has started healing and for the most part is doing fine. There are still some sore spots, but i am doing okay. I am able to "eat" some soft foods such as pasta, and finely ground hamburger meat. I am enjoying making my own soups, however, and i have made some pretty good concoctions. I made some split pea soup earlier this week and aside from the "after effect" it was excellent. In the future, however, I have been told that I will not be allowed around my family when I have been eating this wonderful soup.
 I don't know what the big deal is, girls pass gas too. I have been thinking, and I want to write a manual for going through this whole process, from heart attack to transplant. I don't think I will tell you how to have the heart attack I think you can figure that out for yourself. I don't recommend it though. I can truly say, and I am sure you all think I am nuts, but I would not trade what this condition has done for my relationship with God. The bible talks about "dying to self" in order to become more Christlike. I think maybe I took this a little too literally, but This has been such a beautiful journey. I have said to many people that my heart stopped several times, during my heart attack. I don't know the term, but I was technically dead during those times, but so alive.
I can honestly say that those were the most beautiful moments of my life. I was awake to experience the bad moments of my situation, but I think God pulled me out and let me watch without the horror of the experience. It was not an "out of body experience". There was no "light at the end of a tunnel" sensation, but what I had was so much more intense than that. I was at such peace with everything around me. I felt the most calming warmth surrounding me and I swear someone was holding my hand. I just felt like everything was taken care of. I came out of there knowing that I had heard the voice of God. It was the most beautiful sound one could hear, and there are honestly no words that can truly describe the pure beauty of feeling him there. Then the O.R. erupted in loud cheers. I know that I was "touched" in that moment, as the doctor was able to find a blood vessel that was previously undetected and get it opened for business.
I sit here, 2 years, 2 months, and 5 days later and tell you this story. You might be asking why I am telling all of this now? I have to. I was sent back with a message and I have been slacking in getting the word out. By now most of you are regulars to this blog, and I truly hope you all are taking the time to share, this edition at the very least, with others, Christian or not. You also know that on January 7th, I make a return trip to the Mayo Clinic with my wife and the hopes of my future being placed in the hands of a cardiac surgeon. It is a pretty standard surgery, and the chances for complications are low. The scary part is that if I get the Ventra assist pump, I will be the first one done at the Mayo. I volunteered to be a "guinea pig" for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, I am not afraid to die. The very moment that happens, I will be in the loving arms of the God I know and love. That gives me peace and freedom. Second, I have the oppurtunity to provide data and information that can eventually help thousands, literally, of people. I am proud to have the oppurtunity and I expect to be able to find a way to use my position as Mayo's first clinical test, to further God's message.
I cannot tell you how good I feel when I speak or write about God. I can feel him blasting through my very being and putting his message on this page. I need to write more, and rely on myself less. I have seen the blessings of God and I can not do this without him . That closeness is going to carry me through this phase of my recovery. I will end this writing with a prayer on my lips and a loving embrace to all of you, and remember, Please pray for Mary and the girls, and my family. This is going to be a tough several weeks or months for those close to me. God bless and I love you all. Mark  December 23 soup for breakfast. Soup for breakfast soup for lunch,
soup for dinner, never a crunch.
Teeth are gone, weight is dropping,
my eating sounds like hogs 'a slopping.
My face is purple from chin to throat,
I quite resemble an old billy goat.
worst of all and without vary,
I got not a cent from the dang tooth fairy.
Hello kids, how are you? I thought ya'all might enjoy a little humor as we go into the writing for today. ( probably the last one before Christmas.) I am still recovering from the tooth extraction, although I look pretty rough at this point, I look much better than I did to begin with. My daughters are having a blast immitating me and calling me a "toothless old man". I promised them that when I get the LVAD I will have plenty of energy to beat them both either individually or at the same time. It does not matter to me. I am eagerly anticipating the Christmas holiday on tuesday for many reasons. some obvious, some not. I guess that makes today's topic pretty clear doesn't it.
I want to start by saying I love Christmas and shamefully for the non-Christian reasons as well. I love watching my little girls ( not so little anymore i'm afraid ) anticipate the morning as they go off to bed Christmas eve. My mother-in-law usually spends the evening with us and stays the night. (yes, I actually enjoy that) Then comes Christmas morning. The kids bound out of bed and of course all the adults are already up and waiting for them. Then comes the frenzied fesitval of greed and who got the most presents and everything that she got that I didn't....Get the hint? Are my children especially greedy? No not at all, but we have made Christmas into what it is, not them. We tend to want to give them more than what we had and so we scrape every extra penny together to give to them. I love giving to my children, but I honestly don't know how they would react if they got something they actually need rather than what they want. This year I am not able to work for health reasons but we still have spoiled our children. The sad part is that we feel bad because there doesn't seem to be much under the tree.
You know the truly sad part is that I think my daughters would be more understanding if we sat them down and explained them why they Don't get much for Christmas, than we would. So with that in mind, I have decided to share my Christmas wish list with all of you.
1) I want my entire family to speak with, love, and communicate with one another. ( my entire family, not just the ones here in Iowa)
2) I want to wake up on Christmas morning.
3) I want all of my friends to know that I really love them.
4) I want to experience the intensity of love again.
5) I want to stop hurting those who are around me.
6) I want to learn how to love as well as i can hate.
7) I want a new heart, blessed by God and full of his love.
That seems like a pretty simple list doesn't it? It is to me. I want to live a new, healthy, and vibrant life. I also want to be a new man. It won't do me much good to get a new heart if I have to live like this. I am not depressed, I am just not where i planned to be at the age of 37. I want to be a better man than I am at this very moment. So how do I get there?
I have to re-dedicate myself to serving God. I have to learn to seek him on my own, not wait for others who hold me back. I have to step out with confidence that if I fall he will be there to catch me. I have to be my own man and pick my own paths in life. I will not be forced in any particular direction that is not God's will ever again. I must see to it that my children don't ask what they are getting, but ask how can we help someone this year? This may seem like an aimless rambling tirade, but it holds a lot of personal meaning for me. As we go into Christmas, I want you to know that I am trying to become a better man. That might mean that I have to make some decisions that are not popular with everyone, but I only have to spend a lifetime here on earth, Eternity is forever. Where are you this Christmas? God bless all of you Mark December 20 something to chew on. Hello kids, how did you like the title? I personally thought it was kind of funny. Get it? Something to chew on? aw come on, stop groaning i am the one who has no teeth, and I am laughing. Fuddy Duddies! So what do we want to talk about first? I have plenty to say, but i am in a great mood, and i feel like being ornery.
That is probably the percoset talking, by time we finish up, I will probably be getting Cranky and weepy. But not yet. I think the best thing to do when i feel this way is to take the time to praise God. I think it a true blessing that God would choose me of all people to learn such a lesson. Of all the times I have been a dissapointment to God, he still has the faith in me to allow me this experience. That is not the medication talking, that is pure fact. I can only hope to be worthy of the testimony he is creating in me. I get to be one of those people who can have an influence on others through adversity. Remember, he gave Paul a thorn in his side, and look how faithfully he served the lord. It is so easy to serve and praise God when everything is going well, but I think the mark of true faithfulness is how you serve when it is not so easy. Do I get special treatment? No i do not, i am just hardheaded enough that it takes longer for his lessons to sink in. What I am going through with all of my health issues, is nothing compared what some of you have gone through. That does not make me special at all. It just makes me want to be thankful and serve him to the fullest.
Here is the general news. I had all of my teeth pulled this past Monday. Yes. It really hurts badly. I am not positive, but I could guess the general procedure for complete tooth extract goes something like this. 1) find a patient who needs to have this surgery. 2) Strap him firmly to the operating table. 3) Tell him you are going to take good care of him with a smile and a reassuring pat on the arm. 4) Give patient first dose of sedative to "help him/her relax" 5) go through wallet and double-check for proper insurance paperwork. 6) give sleeper dose of medication and have patient count backward until "out" 7) (important!) punch patient firmly in the mouth to insure he/she is sound asleep. 8) repeat step 7 because that was fun... 9) insert grenade in patient's mouth and pull pin. 10) try not to be the last person out of "blast radius" 11) step back inside and inspect to see if any teeth have not gotten the message and vacated the premesis. 12) call underlings to clean up the mess. 13) send patient to recovery and await the waking up with a smile and a pleasantry such as....."welcome back Mr. McGrew, your procedure went well and you are in recovery. Most of this is pure specualation, but somewhere some dentist or oral surgeon is saying " he can't prove a thing".
On a more serious note, I have to return to mayo on the 7th of January for some appointments. I will be having the LVAD put in on the 8th. That is going to be a tough one, but God willing I will survive. I love all of you, and I hope you enjoyed a laugh out of this. I will go now and allow you to soak in what you have read. I love you all, and will talk with you again soon. Mark December 17 and then there were none. Hello all, it is with a heavy heart that i am here to memorialize the sudden loss of 31 of my best friends. It seems like only yesterday we all met. Some of them were shy at first, taking their time before coming out of their shell and sharing with the others. I can remember how we used to have so many meals together. I honestly can't think of one meal we did not share. They smiled with me, cried with me and just overall made things easier to digest. My family took to them almost immediately, they generally left a very distinct impression. They were with me when I gave my heart to God. They have smiled since that day. Throughout all of my testimony, these guys were with me. They all went in with me when i was baptized. They almost seem like they help me form the very words i speak every day. They help me untie knots, open bottles, and hold things for me when my hands are full. Yep i am really gonna miss my teeth. They have about 4 hours to say goodbye, and then they must go. please pray for my surgery, it will be hard and painful to recover from such a loss. My teeth have been who i am down to my crooked smile.
So what else is news.... I am back in Mayo, for what looks to be about a month. i have tooth extraction today, possibly gastric surgery mid-week and having an LVAD installed tenatively scheduled for friday. Other than that, it should be a fun week.
I have placed my love and trust in God, and i know he will be with me throughout. He is my salvation, my strength, and my support system. Humans will inevitably let you down, but God will never leave your side. Do you have time for him today? May i gently suggest that you make some time? He only needs a couple of minutes and will give you so much more return for your investment. I am literally looking death right in the eye, and i am at total peace. The only thing you have to do is say yes. Don't wait if you are close, tomorrow is not promised.
It is gettig close to time for surgery prep, so i need to shut it down and spend some time in prayer. I truly love you all, and i honestly hope to see you on the other side of this surgery. Love Mark December 11 need to write! Hey look out ya'all, I don't have a clue why i am writing, or what I am writing, so look out and i hope this is interesting. This sometimes happens, it is like that belch at a formal dinner that you never know it is coming. The fact is, sometimes i write poetry, so maybe you get to see a side of me that most of you have not seen. Sit back and as the feature receiver on the best football team ever would say.... "GETCHA POPCORN" For those of you who don't know what i am talking about, I was quoting Terrell Owens of the Dallas Cowboys. (disclaimer...I write as i think it. not sure what is coming.
Living this life.... By Mark McGrew.
I'm nearing the end, of this hard bumpy road,
My heart has grown weary of carrying its load.
My legs still push me, my arms still reach out.
My eyes still burning, my spirit devout.
Doc says I'm failing, going downhill,
he gives me some bedrest, and pushes the pills.
My body is fighting to take up the slack.
I look to the future, no sense looking back.
This fight makes me weary, crushing my drive.
But can i stop living, be merely alive?
Alas, it is coming the shadow draws near.
GET AWAY FROM ME, YOUR JOB IS NOT HERE!
"Arise from self pity. Your time is not yet.
you work for me, do not dare forget. "
He has my attention, the pity is all gone.
wiping my tears he urges me on.
"You were saved for a reason, you've work to be done."
"But father I'm fearful, not brave like your son."
"Son take my hand, something you should see."
"My son is now in you, a pathway to me."
"But father I've sinned, I live on in shame."
" Stop it now child I've paid for your blame."
"Yes, oh my father, I understand it all now.
I accepted your blood, I've taken a vow."
I hear a new chiming a ringing somewhere.
A beeping, the music, coming from where?
I sit up in my bed and take in the scene.
I feel such a sadness, it all was a dream.
"Arise now my son the day is anew."
I calmly start moving, I've big things to do.
O' God are you with me? Did i imagine it all?
"Son while you were sleeping, I paid for it all"
So now I have wakened, my purpose is clear
he talks while we're sleeping so maybe we'll hear.
His message so vivid, it can't have been dreamt up.
I need no more prompting, his grace is enough.
I have finished. now its time foy ya'all to weigh in. I try to write as i would speak so keep that in mind as you read it.
December 10 heart sick chronicles Hey, goobers, what is shaking? Yes I am in a good mood. Yes you are in trouble. I have some bad news, Praise God. He has given so much grace to me. That is not sarcasm, that is genuine love for God and trusting his plan. Lets talk about the bad news...
My heart is pretty much shot. You have to figure that as huge as my heart attack was that 2 days was a stretch. I have survived over 2 years!!! The docs can't even explain it. ( it reminds me of an old cartoon i once saw...a doctor walks out or the O. R. and says "ma'am i'm sorry. we did all we could, but your husband pulled through anyway.") It is funny that they take credit when one survives, but when they lose one it is God's will. In all fairness not many docs are actually like that, just the guy who took credit for saving my life. Let's remember I was awake for most of that, and he was giving up. I heard him say plain as day, I am gonna call it...all of the sudden, a vein popped up and he was talented enough to get me going again. I know that I heard the voice of God that day. I also heard the O.R. erupt in cheers.
Back to the heart. My Congestive Heart Failure (to be referred to from here on out as CHF) is considered to be "end stage" that is pretty much self explanatory. What does that mean? Glad you asked... That means that i am going to need a device installed referred to in previous blogs as the LVAD. Left Ventricular Assist Devices are considered a bridge to transplant therapy. They are also considered to be "destination therapy" in some cases. (not mine, so lets move on some of you are already bored.) I was discharged from IMMC (methodist) today because there is nothing else the locals (great group of men and women to be sure) can do. This is Mayo's show from here on. It is possible that I might have one installed in the next few weeks. The upside is that it will be like i have a healthy heart again. There is even a potential to go back to work for awhile. (not holding my breath on that one.) So that is where we are as of today, December 10th 2007. God willing this will give me a good life until a suitable donor can be found. The hard part is getting him/her to lie still so we can get the heart out. I swear I heard someone groaning just now....
You have all been updated medically, now for the real meat in this sandwich. The reason i opened this blog like i did is that I have been touched. I am at such peace with this situation, because I know that my life is in God's hands. I cannot describe the calm i feel in the face of the death that is potentially looming. The whole purpose of Jesus rising on the third day was so that he could show us that he had prevailed and actually conqured death. He did that so that we know that dying is not the end of anything. It is literally the beginning. "and yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i shall fear no evil". Sound familiar? How can i fear dying? It has been planned since pre-conception. Is this fatalistic? Not at all. This is the grace i referred to earlier. I have been given the grace to face this illness with a prayer on my lips and a smile on my face. (soon to be a toothless smile nontheless)
I want to close this blog with a tribute to a great man. I met pastor Timothy Tinker and his lovely wife Bernadine several years ago. Tim was a lover of "oddballs". He had a special soft spot for the less than perfect, and never hesitated to give out a good laugh, often at his own expense. I have so many wonderful memories of his sermons, and how he incorporated the congregation in the preaching. I never felt like i was being preached at, but rather that Tim was boldly sharing the little tidbits of wisdom that God had given him. It never ceased to amaze me that i would leave church with a smile on my face, but more importantly God's word on my heart. Pastor Tim lost Bernadine recently, and missed her very deeply. He felt that he had been released from his duties as a pastor, not by man, but by God. This past Saturday, Pastor Tim's lonliness ended. He went home to be with Bernadine and I can just imagine the two of them walking hand in hand into God's great chamber to a choir of angels singing in full song. He always had such a vivid picture of what heaven was going to be like. I have no doubt that He wasn't even close to what he saw Saturday. I want so salute a Great man who was the most humble I have ever met so with this i close. Tim, congratulations on making it home. I speak for my family when I say Praise God and good for you. You wanted to go home, and be with two of the people you spent most of your life loving. God and Bernadine. I hope to see you soon, (not that soon) and we will have dinner together with lots and lots of salt. May you be a blessing to God and may he give you the hug that you always imagined. I will miss you down here, but i am truly happy for you.
Reverend Timothy G Tinker. 1947-2007. May you rest in peace, and we love you. Mark and the rest of the McGrews. December 07 day by day... well hello kids, long time, no see. Red is my favorite color, but i thought maybe blue would be easier on your eyes. How are all of you? I really do feel bad for not writing more. I have had a difficult time getting into my own blog sight. I have gotten so used to high speed internet, that I lack the patience when things are moving slow. That is a clever little segwey into my message for today...
I am not making much progress on losing weight. The sad part is that I am living within the dietary guidelines set forth by Mayo. I am retaining fluids again and feeling pretty much like (insert your own synonym here)... I am not saying I am giving up, I am saying that this is getting harder. I have a doctor's appointment today and hope to have some answers soon. This is very frustrating for my family and me. This is not the best time of year to be sick. Since all of this started, I have missed so many important dates with my family. We have had to back out of so many engagements, and said no to so many friendly offers for friendship and food (my two favorite things...) I just wonder is it worth it???? YES.
I wasn't put here to have a great life with no suffering. I was given the grace to face this in a humble manner and to embrace my shortcomings. Along this journey I have met and become friends with people I have come to dearly love. Each person provides some inspiration to me. I look at how some show me a humility and compassion that has to come from God. I see some of you who exemplify class above and beyond what is called for. Others of you are prayer warriors who have never met me yet you continue to pray. (Raise your hand if you see where i am headed with this...Soon, i want to build up to it a little more) many others of you are medical professionals who look past the charts and see me lying there. The doctors and PA's, and the nurses. Even the sheet changers who are trying to feed a struggling family. All of you coming together form a support system that Many people are not as fortunate to have.
Having said all of that, here is the punchline. This whole group of friends, docs, nurses, pa's, prayer warriors, and even those who enforce the rules of living, are all just a tiny part of something much much bigger. We are all called to serve in our role of the body of Christ. Everyone has a purpose, everyone is equal, and there is only one leader. As we approach Christmas and we find offense in everything and every effort to take God out of the "holiday" season, here is some wisdom I am passing along. It is not mine, but I am sharing what was shared with me. We get offended when Christ is taken out of the season, but it is beleived that Jesus Christ was actually born in the fall. The history of the December 25th date actually is beleived to replace a pagan holiday. So why do we fight so hard for December 25th? Maybe instead of celebrating the date, we should be celebtating the fact that he came here at all. I am not sure that I would be able to go to a place if i knew that in the end i would be beaten, battered, nailed to a cross, and Stabbed. That took pure love... i cannot even imagine that. I think that "Christmas" is every day. So yes kids unfortunately it is time to reveal a sad truth to you. There is no Santa Clause.
Get over yourself. I love the idea of a person who gives gifts out of the goodness of his heart. It would save us a lot of money... the fact is we are all santa clause. My 9 year old daughter is still convinced that he is real, although she has her suspicions. I am sure this is the last year of his existance in my house. That is a good thing. Those cookies and milk right before bedtime are really getting harder on us (Mary and me) as we get further and further away from the age of 29....
I want to wrap this up on a positive note. Enjoy the Christmas season. Enjoy one another. Enjoy living. Last but not least Merry Christmas. God has to like the season, because we tend to act more like Christians than any other time of year. Remember, the next time you feel old...This is Jesus' 2007th birthday and that is just since he came down here to earth...kinda puts it in perspective doesn't it. I love you all, Mark |
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