Hey everybody, how are you? You know, the last time we spoke, I was looking for direction and guidance. WOW! Did I get it??? Several of you responded with anything from "Get your head out of your ...." to praying for and with me. I sat back for several weeks, and really sought God's will through prayer. I am truly pleased to inform you, that I am moving forward with my writing. Last night I was told that some of my blogs were forwarded to friends of friends who needed inspiration. That is not the first time that I have been told that. I don't believe in coincidence (wow, I spelled that correctly, and it only took two tries!) so I imagine that I have been given my answer. I think I was being a little selfish. Here is the thing.

     When you deal with devastating, or even terminal health issues, your mind set changes. Some become depressed. Some become bitter, some are downright scared. But in my case, and, I suspect countless others, there is a sense of hope, and anticipation also. Despite all of the advice I received over the course of the illness, I lay thinking, as they were putting me to sleep for the transplant surgery, that when I awakened, I would be healed. The first transplant doctor Mary and I met told us that "Transplant does not fix all your problems, it is just a different, and better set of problems." That is very true. Please don't think I am not elated to be where I am, I am truly happy and grateful. When I woke up, I was still me. The only thing that had changed was, well, everything. My body was swollen to the point that I barely recognized my reflection in the mirror. My legs, ankles, and feet were shapeless, painful, and full of water. My gut hurt, and I couldn't breathe. Perhaps, most terrifying of all, I was nearly blind. It was so scary, one of my most favorite nurses in the whole wide world (yes, Holly, that would be you) came to see me, in CICU, and I could only recognize her by the shape of her hairstyle. Then, there is the mental side...

     For almost eight months, I had an LVAD humming in my chest, and a pacemaker making my heart squeeze. In essence, a safety net. All of that was gone, and had been replaced by this huge THUMP THUMP THUMP in my chest. I don't know, you just feel different. My mind played many cruel tricks on me during my dream states and I frequently awakened at night fearful and disoriented. Every little cough, sneeze, or gaseous emission left me wondering if I had damaged something, or if something was out of the ordinary. In essence, I put myself through a bitter personal hell, while God stood by my side imploring me to give it all to him. I went into a tailspin, and began backsliding spiritually because, when physically, and mentally at my weakest point, I tried to be strong and brave. My new life became hollow and empty, because, while my faith in God remained, it had stopped growing. I made the classic mistake and became complacent. I had my new heart. I was satisfied.

     Folks, I am not writing this to sound bitter. I am closing a chapter, and starting a new one. When I wrote those things to encourage and inspire you, I meant them. But, I needed every card and letter, and prayer that each of you sent to me, and for me. That is where, as I mentioned before, I had become selfish. Now I lay it to rest.

    The next chapter...

    I love my new life. The pain is gone. My vision has returned. I have energy. There are many more good days then bad days. I feel great. I can be a part of my family again. I am home for good. And I have a heart that is built like a FORD truck! Better than all of that, my faith is growing again. I even asked you guys if continuing to write was worth it. Well, YEAH. Even if you don't read it, which I hope you do, I really want to write it. In many ways, this is a great avenue of worship. When I write about God, I feel a sense of, not power, but empowerment. There is a large difference. It is his spirit making me stronger. That feeling helps me to feel like my faith is, indeed, growing. I still have a long way to go, but to get somewhere, sometimes you have to stop and ask for directions.

     God, I thank you for your love and patience. I thank you for the love and patience of my friends and family. I thank you for teaching me the lessons learned while waiting for the new heart. God, I thank you most of all for being that one set of footprints in the sand as evidence that you carried me. God, I thank you for my brothers, Phil, John, Keith, and my sister Melissa. God I thank you for Mom. I thank you for Mary, Jordan, and Caitlyn. (yes, you too Pat) Thank you for Bob and Sherrell. Thank you for all of the nurses and doctors that have treated me with compassion, and even tough love. Thank you for pastors. Thank you for every person who will read this, roll their eyes, and dismiss me as a religious, weak nut. God, you are my strength, not my weakness, and, for that, I am grateful. When I get home, I can't wait to give you a great big hug, but that can wait awhile, cant it?

     Amen.

     I love you guys. We will talk soon.

     Mark.